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  1. #4696

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    it's only 18 days till Christmas!!

    ...or if you're a meth head, that's just 4 sleeps!
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  2. #4697

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    How many online forum group members does it take to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
    53 to flame the spell checkers.
    41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
    15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
    156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
    109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
    203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
    111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
    27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
    14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
    33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
    12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
    19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
    44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
    143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

  3. #4698

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I desperately want to convey seasonal greetings to everyone and without offending any human under Section 18c of the Racial Discrimination Act.
    So ... Please accept, without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated, recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018; but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

    NOTE: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
    promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at
    the sole discretion of the wisher.
    Name withheld
    (Privacy Act).

  4. #4699

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Summer solstice??? Isn't that pagan, I'm sure someone in this new fascist virtue signalling, victim status brainwashed Australia will be totally offended
    Merry Christmas and happy new year to all ausfishers from an agnostic pragmatist

  5. #4700

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  6. #4701

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
    Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
    "You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
    "No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

  7. #4702

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Attachment 116778have to type in some text - won't post just the picture????
    Blush! just noticed where I pinched it from!

  8. #4703

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    At one stage at Butterworth I got a call from the AdminO that I had accumulated too much leave, would have to take a week off.
    One of the fighter pilots, Bill Scott, who was in the Rugby team like me, mentioned he had to be Range safety Officer at the Song Song Island gunnery range, north of Butterworth for the coming week, and suggested I go along with him. This was arranged forthwith.
    That night one of the fighter pilots (I’ll blame Duggan) mentioned that the sand bar behind the gunnery targets still had plenty of 20mm solid slugs in it, from the days when the Vampire was the RAAF’s fighter. The sand stopped them from squashing and kept them in perfect shape. He reckoned I was a lucky little b*ggar to have the opportunity to collect a few while I was at Song Song, because they were going to become collector’s items in the fullness of time. All the other fighter pilots backed up what he was saying and echoed how lucky I was.#
    After we arrived, there was a fair bit of housekeeping and setting up for the range crew, I periodically pestered Scotty as to when I could get out on the sandspit and collect my 20mm slugs.
    Eventually, I guess day two or three, he gave me the all clear and I set off for the spit.
    Had just reached the start of the spit when I heard a roaring noise somewhere above me. I looked up and saw 4 Sabre fighters roaring down towards me doing eleventy twelve.
    Suspect that I hold the unofficial world record for the 300 metre dash.
    Also empathise with the poor blighters in the Middle East being strafed, that’s the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life.

    # Didn’t see any wry smiles or winks – they must have done all the plotting and larfing in the crew room.

  9. #4704

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    If a Crackhead dies, do they become a Methylated Spirit?
    Not all tools are usefull

  10. #4705

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

  11. #4706

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

    A: Bugs Bunny

  12. #4707

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

    “Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

  13. #4708

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Signs from around the world

    Attachment 117101

  14. #4709

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Apols in advance if this has been up before (did search).

    "I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles last night.

    My next crap could spell disaster."

  15. #4710

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    SeaBreeze users will have had a larf at the 'brown' arrow colour when their forecast wind speed is alarmingly high.
    However they might not have seen the performance of the 'green' arrow when you connect via a telephone line, and things are really slow.
    When you get a connection the green arrow appears, while things are whirring away it taps its foot, a bit later it has a shoofty at its watch, then taps its foot again. this repeats until the download finishes. (Sorry about the blurry one - best I could get.)
    Attachment 117271Attachment 117270

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