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  1. #4711

    Re: Joke of the Day

    "Hillbilly Dayvorce"HEA




    A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said,


    "How can I help you?"


    The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."


    The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"


    The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."


    The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"


    The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."


    The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"


    The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."


    The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"


    The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."


    The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"


    The farmer said, "No, we both gets up at 4:30."


    The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"


    The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."


    GO THE CRUISER UTES!

    ....OH WHAT A FEELING!

  2. #4712

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    An old bloke had owned a large mango farm for several years. The farm, just outside of Broome, had a large natural rock pool with natural fresh water seeping in to it not far from his farm house. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with a nice grassed area, gas BBQ, shade cloth, picnic tables and bench seats, basketball hoop and some orange and lime trees.


    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pool, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pool, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.


    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pool.


    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pool naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."


    Some old blokes can still think fast....

  3. #4713

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The fishing has been quiet of late, so wanting to do something nice for the wife I took her to dinner. As we walked into the restaurant, I noted it was full. Not a vacant table to be seen.
    I took out my mobile, stood a little away from my wife, while speaking a little loudly into the phone, "Your suspicions are right madam, your man is here with another woman. You had best come over and have a chat with her"
    Eight couples left the restaurant very quickly.

  4. #4714

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What did the traffic light say to the car?



    Don't look, I am about to change.

  5. #4715

  6. #4716

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated




    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  7. #4717

  8. #4718

    Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    You might get a laugh out of this

    https://www.facebook.com/75815121092...35&v=e&sfns=mo


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  9. #4719

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    IMG_0211.jpg


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  10. #4720

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    IMG_0216.jpg


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  11. #4721

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Lifesavers fans out there?

    lifesavers.jpg

  12. #4722

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    💩💩 💩 Constipation💩💩💩
    What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I'm glad you asked...

    12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR and you don't want to be a pussy in front of your older brother's friends.
    It's suppose to be grape flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
    12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you've been saving it for the apocalypse because let's face it...that time is here. It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

    12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
    Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
    12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

    12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
    Is that blood? False alarm. That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your sphincter to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass.
    1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your sphincter now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
    You're now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats. You meet Jesus.
    8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they've seen in the last 8 hours.
    You're broken. Your sphinter's broken. Your spirit's broken. Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn't have a shit stain on it, and you're going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
    -unknown
    Remember to always log on before heading offshore.

  13. #4723

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I figure the drop test hasn't been done yet.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Jack.

  14. #4724

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I think the problem is that it has been drop tested (going on facial expression anyway).
    Frank

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