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  1. #4651

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Have just twigged where I pinched it from.
    Now trying to avoid Sparky.
    (I blame old age.)

  2. #4652

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This sort of thing started many years ago.

  3. #4653

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
    She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
    The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
    The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
    Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

    "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
    “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

  4. #4654

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
    I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
    He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
    Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
    "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
    "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

  5. #4655

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    just found this old blast from the past which made me larf.

    "I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
    Obviously, I can't afford her; but I thought it would be a cheap night out

  6. #4656

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    While on attachment to Clark AFB in the Philippines in the early sixties, some of our sabre pilots were told about one of the USAFsquadron’s Electronic Warfare officers, who at their Stateside base, hadpainted his car with the radar absorbing paint used on the aircraft, and who also made up an electronic gizmo that processed the incoming police radar signal and returned it with his selected speed reduction incorporated.
    The local cops presumably could be identified by the scratchmarks on their heads.

    Locally, a while back, some of the kids from the local college pulled up behind one of our civvy operated speed check vans and asked the bloke inside if he would show them how it operated. While this was going on,their mate unscrewed the number plate from the van and put it on to the front of his car. He then made several high speed dashes past the van before replacing the plates. We never got to hear the upshot of the bookings.

  7. #4657

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Just read a great little story (RD) in the doctor's waiting room while waiting to go in.

    If I remember the right man, it was lawyer F.E. Smith before his later appointments.

    A young bloke was suing a bus driver for injuries to his shoulder, Smith was questioning him.

    Smith asked: "How far can you lift your arm now?" The bloke lifted his arm a few inches wincing with pain.
    Smith asked: " How far could you lift it before the accident?"

    The bloke raised it above his head.

  8. #4658

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    An American on holiday was inside Perth’s Cathedral taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$5,000 per call'
    The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
    The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $5,000 you could talk to God.
    The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
    Next stop was in Adelaide, there, at the cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
    He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
    She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $5,000 he could talk to God.
    'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
    He then traveled to Melbourne and Sydney, in every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$5,000 per call' sign under it.
    The American, upon leaving New South Wales decided to travel to Queensland to see if the Queenslanders had the same phone.
    He arrived in Brisbane, and again, as he entered the cathedral , there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 Cents per call.'
    The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many cathedrals. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other states in Australia the price was $5,000 per call. Why is it only 50 cents here?'
    The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Queensland now, son ...... it's a local call’

  9. #4659

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Words of Wisdom in short doses...

    Behind every angry woman, stands a Man
    who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

    Been there done that.

    Then, been there several more times,
    because, apparently I never learn!

    Every time you talk to your wife,
    your mind should remember that this...
    'Conversation will be recorded for
    training and quality purposes'.

    Some things are just better left unsaid.
    And I usually realize it, right after I say them.

    Life is short.
    Smile, while you still have teeth.

    Don't try to understand women,
    women understand women,
    and they hate each other.

    Arguing with a woman is like
    reading the Software License agreement.
    In the end you have to ignore everything,
    and click "I agree".

    Never make a woman mad.
    They can remember stuff that
    hasn't even happened yet.

    Remember, women always
    have the last word in an argument.
    Anything a man adds after that
    is the beginning of a new argument.

    "Be decisive. Right or wrong,
    make a decision. The road of life
    is paved with flat animals that
    couldn't make a decision.

    If a woman says"First of all,"
    during an argument, run away
    because, she has prepared
    research, data, charts,
    and will destroy you.

    A wise man once said nothing.

  10. #4660

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Can't rememeber if this has been posted before. If you haven't heard KBCB's stuff before you might get a larf.

  11. #4661

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Apols if I've put this one up before. (I blame old age.)

    Some years ago one of our local policemen, on attachment to Indonesia, was
    killed in an air crash.

    At his funeral one of his mates told the story of when they were doing a
    highway patrol session in Canberra (Red Hill) and pulled over a young bloke
    in a flashy car for speeding.

    As they got to the driver's window the kid, in a pompous voice said "do you
    know who my father is??!!"

    The mate said the late cop replied "sorry son, I can't help you with that,
    it's a question you'll have to ask your mother."

    He then he proceeded to book the kid.

  12. #4662

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    2 cows are standing in a paddock.

    The first cow says "Hey did you hear about that mad cow disease? Sounds pretty scary."

    The second cow say "Yeah I know, lucky I'm a penguin!"

  13. #4663

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Just in case you haven't seen this one:

    The Rancher.

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
    so she decided to place an ad in the paper for a ranch hand.
    Two cowboys applied for the job...One was gay and the other was a drunk.
    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it
    would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk.
    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching.
    For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have really done a good job, and the ranch
    looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on the Saturday night..
    One o'clock in the morning however,and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand.
    Finally he returned around at two thirty, upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
    fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand, waiting for him.
    She stood up and quietly called him over to her.
    Her eye's were sparkling with the reflection of the fire in them, and she was breathing very heavily.
    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said..
    Trembling, he did as she asked.
    "Now take off my shoes." He did as she directed, ever so slowly.
    "Now take off my tights." He removed them ever so gently and placed them neatly by her shoes.
    "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbutton it, and let it drop onto the rug whilst watching her eyes in the fire light.
    She moved slightly closer to him and said." Now take off my bra." Again, and with tremling hands, he did as as he
    was told and slowly placed it on the floor next to all her clothes glancing at her navel as he went down.
    Then she told him to look up at her, and said.
    "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, your fired."

  14. #4664

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Freshly filched from elsewhere:

    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
    My next crap could spell disaster.

  15. #4665

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
    Good man, terrible geologist.

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