Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Goodoo haven]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!

[Chimo]

Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well.
When the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID WE GOTTA SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAID HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"

[Chimo]

German plumber finds a solution to an occupational hazard!

Plumber.jpg

[Goodoo haven]

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'


'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'


'Just three questions' said St Peter.


'Which are?' asked the Blonde.


'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?


The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'


So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).


The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'


'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'


The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'


St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'


St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'


The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'


'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'


And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

[Goodoo haven]

"Come to Australia"........Sponsored by the Australian Labor Party.



http://www.youtube.com/embed/W8sarHnaSp0?rel=0

[Lancair]

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Master Carlos? this is Arnaldo your
country hazienda caretaker." (heavy mexican accent)

"Ah yes, Mr Arnaldo. What can I do for you?
Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, senor,
that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"Si senor"

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
Oh well...what did he die of?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses senor."

"Dead horses? What dead horses, Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why, those purebred ones that you had, senor.
They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then
the curtain caught on fire."

"What the....! But there's electricity at the house !!!
What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of
the blue and I thought she was a thief,
so I SHOT her."

[Goodoo haven]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Goodoo haven]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
Was a 'sniffing dog'..

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
Seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
And said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
Seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
On the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
Police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
Little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
Jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to s#*t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this Behaviour and
Couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[Goodoo haven]

A husband walks into David Jones to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief!
You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[Lancair]

A woman came home early and found her hubby in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last
night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say
they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?''

[Lancair]

Drink & Drive
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and I had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

[Lancair]

Mate of mine just come back from a holiday in Thailand and nearly had a sexual encounter with a 'ladyboy'. Scared the shit out of him....she looked like chick, talked like a chick, walked like a chick, danced like a chick and kissed like a chick. So she took him back to her place and when she reverse parallel parked into a tiny spot first go he thought," hang on a f#cken minute.....!"

[Lancair]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Roma St for Cleveland.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Chimo]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[Chimo]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.