Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[2iar]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise
in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his
arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It
was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[B_E_N]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also
invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host
said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a
million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey
was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds
of sh# t , like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the
tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like
a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars."

Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet."

"How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

"Again Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"

Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the c*nt who pushed me in the Pool.

[B_E_N]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying
that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great
lover. "Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f off!

[B_E_N]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[ttone]

A young couple were having their first child, and the doctor was sure that there could be complications with the baby, still the new parents to be were yet to be concerned. Eventually on the big day, the baby came with relative ease, but when the Doctor had a closer examination, he looked rather distressed. The New mother noticing his look, asked him as what the problem was. he went on to say that the baby had a very rare syndrome called provoscis enhancement. She asked him what that meant and he said that the baby was born with one female and male organs. CRIPES !! she said, does that mean Junior has a pen-s as well as Brains!!!!!

[snasman]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. ? ?
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! ? You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"


The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said,
? "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

[reelcrazy]

What happens when you get a translator with either a sense of humour or no sense at all...

[aussiefool]

What happens when you get a translator with either a sense of humour or no sense at all...

Loved it great stuff

[charleville]

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"


And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....



.

[flatchat]

Hi,
I just joined the chat room and not sure how too post a message on the sight so I am sending this letter too you and hope I can become a local participant . We have moved too Golden Beach in June and been fishing several times only too come up with a few undersize bream which we returned too the passage.We don,t know when or where too fish and what bait seems like everybody catches fish but us we would appreciate some local knowledge and assistance.
We have a 5.25m boat with 90 HP and a small tinny with a 15 hp we tried several combinations boat and bait and no avail and are getting frustrated ...Please Help
We absolutly love Caloundra and want too be part of the community and become involved with people with similar interest.We joined powerboat club but only visited it once we have business committments which absorb a lot of time so time relaxing fishing would be a bonus
Thanks for reading my mail and hope that you can give us so much needed guidance

Best Regards...Dave and Sherrill

[charleville]

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got
headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I no work today."

The boss says:

"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel
like this I make love to my wife . That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at
work soon. And by the way, you got nice house."

[charleville]

A professor at Auckland University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Nathan raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big boofhead student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Nathan, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Nathan replied, "Bugger! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."






.

[charleville]

Dear Dr Phil;


I've never written for advice before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. There have been the usual signs...phone rings but if I pick it up the caller hangs up. My wife has been going "out with the girls" a lot recently but when I ask their names she always says "Just some friends. You don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she'd gotten out of a car just around the corner.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone, and why was I spying on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. But last night when she went out I decided to really check on her.

I hid in the garage where I have my model airplane workshop so I could peek out the window and get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was while I was crouching behind my giant scale Mustang that I noticed some oil leaking from the front engine bearing. Is this something I can fix myself or should I send it in for service?









.

[charleville]

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an, anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Nico.d.R]

bob went down to the sex shop to buy a blow up doll . when he arived the shop keeper said "can i help you ? " he replied "yes i am after a blow up doll " the shop keeper asked him what sort he wanted " Do you want a normal doll or a afghani doll ? " "whats the diference ?" said bob . Well you have to blow up the normal one and the afghani one blows itself up .