How to get a man to wash his hands ...
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is
still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"
A an staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly round his throat.
naturally the doctor asked him "what happened to you ?"
'well I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock.
We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear end.
I walked over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cows ass
Still holding the cows tail up , I yelled to my wife,
"hey this looks like your's!
I don't remember much after that
Stuie
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound
not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship
comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure
out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive
sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they
say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man
goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you.
You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a Monk"
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before
a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled
the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God
knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he
is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We
shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only
to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has
become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key
to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed
to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
Last edited by bungie; 14-10-2007 at 08:00 PM.
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A Nurse was asked to sign for her Medicare gap/rebate so she dips her hand in her top pocket to fetch her pen..
Only shocked to find what she's holding is a rectal Themometer..
Angrilly she spits out " Some ace##le's taken me Pen!!!"..
A Fairy Tale.
One day a long,long time ago there lived a woman who surprisingly
did not whine,nag or bitch........
But this was a long time ago
and it was just ONE day.........
The End
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold
spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area land and asked, "What's that ?"
"Ah", said God. "That's Tasmania the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Tasmania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the mainland.
Two Nuns are driving down the road and they run smack, bang into the Devil and he ends up on their car bonnet.
The first nun turns to the second and says "What do we do?"
"Quick, wind down your window and show him your cross" was her reply.
So the first nun winds down her window and yells "Hey, get off the frigging car bonnet you bastard"
A bloke walks into a bar and orders a beer while the barmaid pours it he sees a 44gallon drum overflowing with money
He asks the barmaid whats with the drum full of money and the barmaid explains we have had a competition running here for a while
The man says tell me more about the competition so she explains
well firstly you see that bloke standing over there he looks and sees a monster of a man 7ft 150kgs she says you have to knock him out with just one punch then
Out the back we have a rottwieller bitch with a sore tooth you have to pull it out but be warned she has killed men in the past trying this then
Up stairs there is a 90 year old woman who has never orgasmed you have to make her orgasm
The man says what the hell i will give it a go he throws a tenner in the drum skulls his beer then he races across the bar smacks the big man in the nose knocks him out cold
Then he runs out the back door and all you can hear is all this yelping from the dog the man runs back through the door and yells
NOW WHERE IS THIS OLD CHICK WITH THE SORE TOOTH !!!!!!!
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last
number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son . . . . . . . "Go get your mother."
Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee)
n.Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys
.4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
n. Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
There will be days when the fishing is better than one's most optimistic forecast, others when it is far worse. Either is a gain over just staying home.
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way "Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat
and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!! Joe and
John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to
himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state
who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he
could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died
suddenly that day.
When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John
and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole
in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she
leaked like crazy. ;I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I
warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they
wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time
and she split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.
Stuie
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
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