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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #1396

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
    fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."





    She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.












    She's such a bitch...



  2. #1397

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
    1. It's important to have a
    woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a
    job.
    2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
    3. It's
    important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
    4.
    It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with
    you.
    5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
    other.

  3. #1398

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Ive only read to page 8 and hope this one hasn't been said but here goes.

    An Aussie was taking a holiday around NZ. He was driving down a beautiful country road when i saw a kiwi bloke fair chock up a sheep. Amused he stopped and walked over to the bloke and his sheep and said " Mate back in Australia we shear those". The Kiwi replied " piss off bro i'm not shearin this with no body"

    Cheers Chris

  4. #1399

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    a mate in Brisbane told me this, no offence meant to anyone from tasmania, lol



    what is the definition of confusion

    fathers day in tasmania

  5. #1400

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A young lady is doing her grocerie shopping at the local supermarket.

    She puts the following items onto the conveyor belt:

    1 carton of eggs
    1 loaf of bread
    1 kg of bacon
    5 apples
    1 bag of carrots and
    1 lettuce.

    A drunk comes up behind her and after a minute says

    " I bet you're single!"

    The girl looks at the drunk a little bemused.

    She looks at the stuff on the conveyor and after a bit says.
    " Yes I am single. But how could you tell?"

    The drunk replies
    "Because you're ugly!"

  6. #1401

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

    They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "This bull mated 50 times last year."
    The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs ad said, "He mated 50 times last year.

    "They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said," This bull mated 120 times last year.The wife gave her husband healthy jab and said,"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.

    "They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.

    The husband looked at her and said, "Go ask him if it was with the same cow.

    NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery
    Last edited by Far side; 05-06-2007 at 03:03 PM.
    "light gear big fish big fun"

  7. #1402

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    an Englishman, an Irishman, and an American went out for a drink togetther, and in the course of there pub crawl they found themselves at the top of a sky scraper.

    The American says "You know, because of the alsohol, we can fly around the top and land unharmed"

    The Irishman tells the American to prove, which he promptly does, he flies around the building and lands unharmed. The Irishman sees this, runs off the edge and falls to his death, making a massive mess on the plaza.

    The Englishman looks at the American and says "Christ Superman, you aren't half a mean b*stard when you're drunk"

  8. #1403

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    "THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"
    >>>A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

    The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK,
    so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said "One!"

    The manager groaned and continued,
    "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
    was the sale for?"

    £ 124,237.64. pounds"

    The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

    What the hell did you sell him?"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,
    and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
    coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the
    boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
    him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
    The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell m e....a guy came in
    here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"


    "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
    friend and I said.........

    'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."


  9. #1404
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Double post
    Last edited by Chimo; 07-06-2007 at 06:40 PM.
    What could go wrong.......................

  10. #1405
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This was shared with me by "Boatboy 50's" better half; smart lady that she is!

    Chimo

    A SENIOR MOMENT

    A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
    took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
    it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
    student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young
    people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
    walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear
    energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing
    and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

    The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
    "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we
    invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the
    next generation?"

    The applause was resounding.

    I love senior citizens!!!
    Last edited by Chimo; 07-06-2007 at 06:37 PM.
    What could go wrong.......................

  11. #1406

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Divorce letter


    Dear Wife:
    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing
    to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either your cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case I am gone.

    Your EX - Husband

    P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Dear Ex-Husband:

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but, my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your--new silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million dollars I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

    So take care.
    Signed,
    Rich and Free!

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem

  12. #1407

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two guys are out fishing, one guy pulls out a cigarette and is about to light up when he realises he has left his lighter back home.
    He asks his mate if he has a lighter.
    Yea replies his mate, it's in the Tackle box. Releived he opens the tackle box and pulls out this hugh 10inch lighter. Amazed at the size of this thing he asks his mate"where did you get the huge lighter"........ casually his mate answers" got it from my genie"

    He thinks about this for a second and says... your kidding me you don't have a genie? his mate replies casually "yes I do , see that red jar in the tackle box, he's in there, av a look for your self".

    He grabs and opens up the jar and sure enough ...poof a genie pops right out of the jar. The genie says to him you can have one wish and one wish only. He excitedly looks at his mate and says," I had better make this good" he thinks for a while and says to the genie" I want a million bucks"

    The genie disappears back into the bottle and the next moment a million ducks fly overhead and settle in the water. disappointed he says to his mate," the genie is obviously hard of hearing"

    His mate answers," I'm afraid so, how do you think I got my 10 inch Bick.
    Last edited by Big G; 09-06-2007 at 08:21 AM.

  13. #1408

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Unfortunately a true story.......

    I had been watching a movie "The Green Mile" with my two juniors.

    At one stage in the movie, The head prison guard on death row gets miraculously healed of a urinary tract infection by one of the death row inmates.

    To demonstrate how good he now felt, the guard goes home to his wife and takes her off to bed for some fun.

    Junior #1 (10 years old) says to me "What are they doing Dad?"

    I explained that they are having sex.

    Then junior, with a puzzled look on his face, turns to me and says.....

    Why are they doing that - aren't they married already ???

    An unfortunate observation that!

  14. #1409

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"


  15. #1410

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A Man Was Coming Back From Fishing At A Lake When A Fisheries
    Inspector Stopped Him.
    "excuse Me, But Do You Have A Licence To Catch Those Fish?" He Asked
    The Fisherman.
    "well, No", The Man Replied. "but Don't Worry, I Didn't Catch These,
    They're My Pet Fish."
    "pet Fish?" The Inspector Queried.
    "that's Right. Every Night I Take Them Down To The Lake And Let Them
    Swim Around For A While. When I Whistle They Jump Back Into Their
    Buckets, And I Take Them Home To Their Tank."
    The Man Looked At The Inspector For A Moment, Then Said, "it's True.
    Here I'll Show You."
    "i've Got To See This," Said The Inspector, And Followed The Man Back
    To The Lake.
    Gently The Man Poured The Fish In To The Lake, Then Stood And Waited.
    After A Few Minutes, The Inspector Turned To The Man And Said:
    "well?"
    "well What?" The Man Responded.
    "well, When Are You Going To Whistle And Call Them Back?" Asked The
    Inspector.
    "call Who Back?" The Man Asked.
    "the Fish."
    "what Fish?" The Man Asked.
    "Everyone should believe in somethin'.. I believe I'll go fishing."

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