Reply With QuoteA termite walks into the local pub and asks, is the bar tender here today...
Sorry guys, that is a shocker I know.
husband arrives home after a night out with a lamb under his arm,goes into the bedroom and said this is the pig i sleep with when im not with you the wife answers i think that is a lamb you have,,husband replys thats who i was talking to
A termite walks into the local pub and asks, is the bar tender here today...
Sorry guys, that is a shocker I know.
The New Castle Knights team training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Lang Park. One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.
Coach Brian smith immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line.
Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again this year.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
Ferrari sack pit crew
Modena, Italy:
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire Pit Crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the New Work For the Dole Scheme and hire unemployed youths.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds, with millions of dollars worth of high-tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for, as during the crew's first practice session, not only were the new pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of beer.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small western town. He sits
at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat
that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy
reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning
it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead
mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately up-chucks
his meal back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."
John met an older woman at a club last night. She was attractive for 57,
they drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if he'd ever had the
sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? He said no. They
drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night. He
went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, you still awake?"
fishing licences
An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in
such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways." "I have a glass of whisky, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died? "
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk.
That's why he's still alive ... he's Irish and he's also a golfer."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still a kick'n."
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living ! Incredible! How old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married ?!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
Lesson 1: Naked Wife A man is getting into the shower just as his
>wife is
>finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
>herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
>stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
>give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman
>drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
>After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps
>back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,
>her husband asks,...
>"Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!"
>the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
>Moral of the story:If you share critical information pertaining to credit
>and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
>prevent avoidable exposure.
>Lesson 2
>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
>when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
>Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!"
>says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
>without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says
>the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my
>personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my
>life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
>manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>Lesson 3
>A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
>her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
>controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
>said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
>But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
>again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
>sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her
>way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
>miss a great opportunity.
>Lesson 4
>A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
>him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
>answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,
>and rested.
>A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
>very high up.
>Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
>A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the
>top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
>why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
>with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
>him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
>after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
>fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
>was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you
>there.
>Lesson 6
>A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
>froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
>a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in
>the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
>actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
>to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
>investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
>pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
>Moral of the story:1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy2. Not
>everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend3. And when you're in deep
>shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>
Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the
throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my
side, I must ask you what you have learned, and what you believe in."
God asks Arnie first: "What do you believe?"
Arnie thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I
believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I
believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by
my fans."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Palmer, and offers
him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Nicklaus and says, "What do you believe?"
Jack said, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose,
I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the golf
course."
God is greatly moved by Jack's eloquence, and he offers him a seat
to his right.
Finally, God turns to Woods: "And you Tiger, what do you believe?"
Tiger replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
click Here For Short Term Satellite Phone Rental
Curry Competition
Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix (A very Indian suburb of Durban, South Africa). "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These charo's are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curryr Curry JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tangs. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry Great kick. Need more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me fresh refills; that 300 lbs. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those charo's
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel #### thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my #### shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd had reacted to a really hot curry? FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two blokes are at their favourite fishing hole drowning a few baits & quietly
sucking on a can or two.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mick says, “I think I’m gunna divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”
Bluey continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says “ Maaate, I reckon you better think it over – women like that are bloody hard to find.”
Timber lures - just bung 'em in the water mate & hang on !!!
Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working
together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, British or Australians can come into our
precious state."
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with
water".........
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