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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #76

    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Irishman died and went up to the pearly gates and was met by St Peter.
    "Before you can come in here you have to answer three questions. Because you are an Irishman I will give you the questions now and give you some time to go away and study up the answers.
    The first question is - How many days of the week start with the letter "T"?

    The second question is - you have to give me the christian
    name of the swagman in the ballard, Waltzing Matilda."

    Third question, the hardest, you how many seconds are there in a year?

    Irishman, "Thanks, no worries I will come back with the answers soon."

    Irishman came back a bit later, "St Peter I have all the answers.

    St Peter, "Okay, how many days of the week start with the letter "T"
    Irish "Thats easy, two, today and tomorrow.

    St Peter; "Okay Ill give you that one, what is the answer to the second question - the christion name of the swagman?"

    Irish - "Too easy, to be sure, it is Andy."
    St Peter - "How did you work that out"
    Irish - "Well when youi listen to the song they tell you his name; Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.

    St Peter, getting frustrated - "Okay, I'll have to give you that one to, but I bet you cant tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
    Irish- "It took me a bit of time to be sire, but I worked it out, the answer is twelve.
    St Peter - "Twelve, how do you work that out?"

    Irish - easy, 2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March............................................. .......................................
    Irish - "Easy, 2nd of January, 2nd of Febr

  2. #77

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Proud young Mum has her first baby and after the delivery awaits the Doctors first report on Bubs!
    He says "Mary, we have one small problem but otherwise he is fine"
    "Please Doctor tell me the worst. I am strong and will love him no matter what"
    Doc says "He doesn't have any legs"
    "OMG" says Mum. "..but thats OK, I will look after him and help him to walk in life. Is that all?"
    "No" he says softly, "the poor little chap has no arms either"
    "Oh no" Mum cries "But Doctor, it doesn't matter, I have so much love for him that it will see him through the hard times ahead"
    The doc is obviously still shaken and adds "But the worst is still to come. Baby has no trunk. In fact there is just a single head!!!!"
    "Oh dear God above" shrieks Mum "why oh why did it happen to my poor baby? But Doctor, I know we can get through this together. My love for him is so strong, nothing will stop me looking after him"
    "That is truly admirable Mary" says the Doc, "I feel sure I can now tell you the second worst part in the confidence you can cope with it"
    "What" shrieks Mary, "what the hell else could be wrong with my precious child? No arms, no legs, no body, just a head on the pillow!!"
    "Mary, I want you to be very brave for I have to tell you that in fact you have given birth to just one ear! Thats it, nothing else"
    "Oh cruel world, thjis is not possible" she sobs "what has my baby done to deserve only being an ear. My love alone will help him through what is going to be a sad and miserable life. Nothing else matters!"
    Doctor says "Ah Mary, you are the brave one that is for sure. Now I can tell you the last wee problem we have with baby ear"
    "No! No! No! How can life be so cruel. What is it now"
    "Ah Mary, the poor wee chap is deaf!"

  3. #78

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Old drover staggers into the outback pub one cold, windy and rainy night. He orders a double rum from the bartender and settles down by the fire. The barman says "hey mate, bit of a bad night to leave your two dogs outside. Bring 'em in and let them stay by the fire"
    The drover opens the door and yells out "Here Carver, here Ironmonger, inside boys...... come here!"
    Both dogs come inside and gratefully relax by the fire. The barman says "you know, they are really weird names for a couple of cattle dogs. Carver and Ironmonger. Why do you call them that?"
    "OK, I'll show you if you like. Come here Carver. Sit Boy sit!"
    The old drover takes a huge piece of ironbark timber from beside the fireplace and throws it to Carver.
    "Here boy, kangaroo, kangaaroo!"
    Carver attacks the wood and chunks of timber and splinters go everywhere. Everybody is truly amazed when out of this Carver produces a first class wooden statue of a kangaroo!
    "Man, that is unbelieveable" say the barman "If he can do that then what does Ironmonger do?"
    "Just watch mate" says the drover heading off to the fire and pulling a red hot poker from the fire.
    He bends over the sleeping Ironmonger, lifts his tails and prepares to shove the poker up the dogs A**se.
    "God in heaven mate, don't do that please!" says the barman "do you know what will happen if you do?"
    "Sure do son" says the drover. "He'll either make a bolt for the door or a spring for yer balls!"

  4. #79

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Lovely old dear in the health ward of the local hospital........ walking up and down all the beds wearing her old dressing gown! As she passes each bed she stops, rips her gown open and yells out "SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX" COME AND GET IT"
    This goes on every day till one time she stops besides a seriously old gent and does the same show.
    Old guy looks her body up and down a few times and quietly say, "Think I'll take the soup thanks love!"

  5. #80

    Re: Joke of the Day

    This guy walks outside to get a newspaper when all of a sudden he sees a great big ape on his roof. at first he doesn't know what to do but after a while he decides to get the phone book out and call the nearest animal shelter. a half an hour passes and the animal shelter sent one of their men down which finally shows up in his truck.

    In the back he has his dog, a ladder, a big long stick, a gun, and a pair of handcuffs. the man brings all of this stuff out of his truck and the man with the ape on his roof asks, "what is all this stuff for?" the man replied, "i'm going to climb up the ladder onto the roof. i'm going to swing the stick at the ape knock him off the roof, where my dof is trained to bite it in the nuts, and thats where you handcuff the ape." then man thinks about what he just heard and asks the man, "Well, what do we do with the gun?" the other man replies, "just in case the ape knocks me off the roof, shoot my dog."

  6. #81

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
    badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the
    body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were
    sent for.
    Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
    Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
    over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
    ain't Bubba."

    The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he
    brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer
    took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real
    bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
    ain't Bubba."

    The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
    Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a......."

    "What? He had two #######s! said the mortician.

    "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a........ Every
    time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a.........”

  7. #82

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
    judge said Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

    Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
    f*%#ing Goofy."
    Southwind SF20 'Piscatoreous'
    Savage 14ft tinny "About Time'

  8. #83

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Four young bulls were boasting of their plans for the future.
    "I'm going to Rome to become a papal bull," said one.
    "I'm going to be a stock market bull,' said another.
    "I want to be a bull in a china shop ," said the third.
    "Well I'm not going anywhere," said the fourth.
    "I shall stay here for heifer and heifer and heifer."

  9. #84

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Some of these jokes are what got the last joke page deleted, be kind guys, jokes can be funny without being foul.

  10. #85

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
    One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

  11. #86

    Re: Joke of the Day

    What did the Number 0 say to the Number 8?

    Nice Belt.

    Well the kids like it.

  12. #87

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

    The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

    "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

  13. #88

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Dyslexic atheists believe there is no DOG

  14. #89

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Advertising.... Only in America!!!

  15. #90

    Re: Joke of the Day

    >A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
    >million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
    >benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, because it was assumed
    >that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
    >testify about in court.
    >When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10
    >million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
    >The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
    >embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper
    >where the $10 million is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
    >what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he
    >doesn't know what you're talking about" That's when the Godfather pulls out
    >a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask
    >him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if
    >you don't tell him!"
    >The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
    >buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The
    >Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies:
    >"He says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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