Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Sea-Dog]

An old fella lay in his deathbed with only a short time to go.

He took a feeble breath and smelled some anzac biscuits cooking.

So he slowly shuffled out to the kitchen and picked up one of the biscuits to eat.


His wife slapped him on the hand and said, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral"

[gunnabuild1]

A man and a woman in a lift.All of sudden the cable snaps and the lift plummets to the ground.As they realise whats happening the young lady tears off her blouse and shouts desperately "Make me feel like a woman one last time!"
The man rips off his shirt and says"Here iron this"

[redspeckle]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you
understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The
young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, by check." I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.

Mitch

[redspeckle]

Directions to Batmans cave

[Joe_N]

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade
too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to
go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader
should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go
to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down
and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a
lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

George Gregan Arrested!!!

[seabug]

Dubya rings Irak to speak to Dick Cheney.

"How's the war going?" says Dubya.

"Not to good" replies Dick. "Three Brazilian people have been killed."

"That's terrible "says Dubya. "How am I going to explain that to the American people. " "That is just too awful"

"Hey Dick,tell me.How many is a brazillion"?

[Cruiser]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually t ook turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Nathalie]

What is the difference between a catfish and an Italian mother in-law?







One has whiskers and stinks


And the other is







A fish.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

[Cruiser]

I was at the pub standing next to man who was on the floor leaning heavily against the bar, drunk. I picked him up off the floor, and offered to take him home.

On the way to my car he fell down three times. When I got to his house, I helped him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times.

I rang the bell and when a woman opened the door I said,"Here's your husband!"

She looked at me for a moment and said, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Cruiser]

One day a beautiful young woman went into hospital to undergo a routine operation on her private parts. A nurse showed her into the operating theatre, told her to remove her clothes and put her feet in stirrups, legs spread wide.

After the nurse left the theatre, a man in a white coat walked over to her, looked between her legs and walked back to another man in a white coat and they began talking in lowered voices.

The second man then walked over to the woman and began examining her intimately, prodding here and there, then he walked back to the first man and began talking again.

Suddenly a third man in a white coat arrives, walks over to the woman, examines her breasts and feels her backside.

"Excuse me," said the woman, "All these examinations are alright, but when are you going to start the operation?"

"I dunno," said the third man in the white coat, "We're just here painting the corridor!"

[Cruiser]

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, .... "I have turtle recall."

[Cruiser]

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught-worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[freddo]

A husband and vife are in bed an the wife asks the husban"if i were to die would you re marry"
husban."no"
wife"why not"
husband"ok i would"
wife "well would you live in this house"
husband"sure its a great house"
wife" would you sleep in this bed"
husband"where else would i sleep"
wife "would she use my golf clubs"
husband"no she's left handed" there was a short scilence
husband"oh shit"

[Camo]

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

* Dogs love it when your friends come over.
* Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
* Dogs think you sing great.
* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
* Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
* The later you are, the more excited the dogs are to see you.
* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
* Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
* Dogs are excited by rough play.
* Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
* Dogs understand that farts are funny.
* Dogs love red meat:
* Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
* Anyone can get a good looking dog.
* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
* Dogs don't shop.
* Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.
* A dogs disposition stays the same all month long.
* Dogs never need to examine a relationship.
* A dogs parents never visit.
* Dogs love long car trips.
* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for
directions.
* Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were
made to be hunted. .
* When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly,
you can shoot it.
* Dogs like beer.
* Dogs don't hate their bodies.
* No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie and the Blowfish
album.
* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
* Dogs never criticise.
* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point
across.
* Dogs never expect gifts
* It's legal to keep a dogs chained up at your house.
* Dogs don't worry about germs.
* Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever
had.
* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your
wallet, desk and tile back of your sock drawer.
* Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
* Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner
than a lobster one.
* You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours
a day.
* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewellery.
* Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
* Dogs never want foot rubs.
* Dogs find you amusing when you are drunk.
* Dogs can't talk.
* Dogs aren't catty.
* Dogs seldom outlive you.

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

* Both look stupid in hats.
* Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
* Both tend to have "hip" problems.
* Neither understand football.
* Both look good in a fur coat. .
* Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every
word you say.
* Neither believe that silence is golden.
* Both constantly want back rubs.
* Neither can balance a cheque book.
* You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
* Both put too much value in kissing.

HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

* Women leave the room to fart.