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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #916

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

    The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless
    you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

    Mujibar said, "I am ready."

    The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

    The manager said, "Go ahead."

    Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow,
    this is Mujibar.'"

    Mujibar now works for Telstra on their Help Line at a call center for phone problems.

    No doubt you have spoken to him. I have on several occasions.

  2. #917

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    a fella goes to see his dentist with a sore tooth, the dentist offers him some gas for the pain.

    "nope .............. gas will make my throat swell up, i'm allergic to it" he says.

    next the dentist offers an injection for the pain, "nah ............ i'll break out in hives everywhere i'm allergic to that as well"

    at this point the dentist gets a couple of little blue tablets out of the drawer and offers them to the bloke.

    "no, i'm sorry mate i can't take any pain killers whatsoever" the fella says.

    "i know that mate, they're viagra ......... at least they'll give ya something to hang onto when i pull that tooth out"

  3. #918
    Steve_Monckton
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A man goes to the doctors surgery and has a 9 iron golf club stuck firmly in his rectum. The doctor examines the man and exclaims that this was the first time he had ever seen anything like this and asked how it got there. The man replied, my wife and I went out for a round of golf and she sliced the ball off into a paddock full of cattle next to the golf course. We had a good look around and could not find the ball anywhere. Out of desperation I lifted up the tail of one of the cows and behold here was her golf ball, stuck in the cows arse. I called out to my wife and said, "hey honey, this looks like yours!!

  4. #919

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    why is a woman so much like a condom?????

    they both spend ages in your wallet and a very short time on your willy

  5. #920

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    The fairy

    A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

    "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

    The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

    Then it was the husband's turn.

    He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became 92 years old.

    The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  6. #921

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"



    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."



    "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"



    St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."



    "So where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man.



    "Howard's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


  7. #922

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    If this One Offends Please let me know and I'll remove it.


    After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should
    have some cosmetic surgery "down below"
    to restore herself to her former youthful glory
    because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low
    and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had
    taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being
    the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it
    looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed
    kebab.


    Following the operation she awoke from her
    anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.


    "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're
    very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."


    "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the
    operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he
    wanted to say thanks".


    "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.


    "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
    such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll
    be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very
    excited!".


    "Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?".


    "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse.
    "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

  8. #923

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Hey Guys - long time no post. Got a tailor and a shark out at Palmy this morning (creature of habit after all) I was browsing by and had to add this one...

    It is just before the England v Brazil football match.

    Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" he asks.

    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we just can't be bothered". Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

    After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
    "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)".

    They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
    "Don't be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

    "No, No, I have! I've let you down...........I got sent off after 12 minutes"

  9. #924
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Get yourself an Aussie Wife!!

    Duties of Wives!!!

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
    their new wives duties.

    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had
    told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
    needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the on third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
    given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
    cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told
    her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn"t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
    down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

    Mitch

  10. #925
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated



    The story of Sheep

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You sell one and buy a ram.
    * Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
    * You sell them and retire on the income.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
    * You have two sheep.
    * You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
    * You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You go on strike because you want three sheep.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep
    and produce 20 times the wool.
    * You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and
    market them worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
    shear themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * Both die from foot and mouth.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
    * You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You count them and learn you have five sheep.
    * You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
    * You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
    * You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:
    * You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
    * You charge others for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * You have 300 people shearing them.
    * You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman
    Who reported the numbers.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
    * You have two sheep.
    * That one on the left is kinda cute...

    Mitch





  11. #926

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Sunday Morning Nookie

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year oldgrandmother and comfort her.
    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having nookie would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

    Nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, Innnn on the Ding, Outtttt on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
    Thomas Sowell

  12. #927

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb..?






    2, but i still have no idea how they get in there...

  13. #928

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...

    1. Word processors never display a cursor.

    2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

    3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

    4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

    5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

    6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

    7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

    8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

    10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

    11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

    12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

    13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

    14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

    15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

    16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

    17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

    18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

  14. #929

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Submitted by actual doctors...


    1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
    -Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
    -Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
    -Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
    -Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of Complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband wasalive."
    -Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

    6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
    -Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
    -Submitted by RN no name

    AND FINALLY!!!................
    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
    -Dr. wouldn't submit his name


    One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
    Thomas Sowell

  15. #930

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Priest retirement speech

    A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.


    "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.


    But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


    Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.


    "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


    Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

    One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
    Thomas Sowell

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