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  1. #856

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    what a way to go......

  2. #857

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    15 Worst Fortune Cookies

    15. What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?

    14. Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops.

    13. Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody gets hurt.

    12. It takes a tough man to make tender chicken from a cat.

    11. This coupon good for a free 1-year subscription to Windows Sources magazine.

    10. Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.

    9. Spouse mad at you. No get special "wonton pork" tonight.

    8. Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's bodily fluids.

    7. A wise man tips 20% to avoid severe tire damage.

    6. An 87 year old hooker awaits you.

    5. Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.

    4. Hope you enjoyed your dinner, Mr. Bond.

    3. Wipe that drool off your chin. That waitress you're ogling is Mr. Woo's number one son.

    2. Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.

    1. Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup

    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  3. #858

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

    12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

    15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."


  4. #859

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

  5. #860

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

    1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

    5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

    6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

    7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

    12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

    15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

    16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

    18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


  6. #861

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

    Oops!
    Has anyone seen my watch?
    That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
    Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
    Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
    OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    Come back with that! Bad Dog!
    Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
    If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
    Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
    Damn, there go the lights again...
    Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
    Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
    I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.


  7. #862

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Another to add to the Telemarketers list - works in our house. Tell them they will need to speak to the lady of the house where upon you yell loudly "Molly...." and hold the phone to the loudly barking dog.


    sam

  8. #863

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    With those foreign telemarketers I pretend I can't understand them no matter how well they speak English.The blokes start going of the brain in no time I was having a ball and would look forward to them ringing.Then they stopped calling altogether don't get any now.

  9. #864

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    FOUND IT !!!!!!!!!!!!
    Do or do not ,
    there is no try.


    - Yoda

  10. #865

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Maria was a devout Catholic. She got married and had 17 children. Soon
    after the last child is born her husband dies.

    A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another
    22 children with her second husband.

    After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

    Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
    Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

    At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
    coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

    "At last, they're finally together."

    A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
    mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

    The priest says, "I mean her legs."

  11. #866
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Will I live to be 90
    I recently picked a new primary care physician.
    After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
    "fairly
    well for my age".
    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist
    asking
    him,
    Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
    "Oh no, "I replied. "I'm not doing either."
    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
    I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very
    unhealthy."
    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
    sailing,
    hunting, or fishing?"
    "No, I don't," I said.
    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of
    sex?"
    "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
    He looked at me and said, "Then why give a shit if you live to
    be
    90?"
    Mitch
    C'MON THE COWBOYS in 2006

  12. #867

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Great as humor, bad as ads...

    2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

    Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

    Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

    Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

  13. #868
    bidkev
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section & Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

    At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fek dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fek'n dangerous for me!"

    THERE’S MORE...

    Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
    eeder!"

    IT IS NOT OVER YET...

    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

    Once more Paddy shakes his head "Fek dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.. and now Sean and his fek 'n hengliding!"

  14. #869

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    NOW and THEN

    THEN: Long Hair
    NOW: Longing for hair.

    THEN: The perfect high.
    NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

    THEN: Keg.
    NOW: EKG.

    THEN: Acid Rock.
    NOW: Acid Reflux.

    THEN: You're growing pot.
    NOW: Your growing pot.

    THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
    NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

    THEN: Seeds and stems.
    NOW: Roughage.

    THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
    NOW: Popping joints.

    THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
    NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

    THEN: Killer weed.
    NOW: Weed killer.

    THEN: The Grateful Dead.
    NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

    THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
    NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

    THEN: Rolling Stones.
    NOW: Kidney stones.

    THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
    NOW: Calling the principal's office.

    THEN: Screw the system!
    NOW: Upgrade the system.

    THEN: Peace sign.
    NOW: Mercedes logo.

    THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
    NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

    THEN: Take acid.
    NOW: Take antacid.

    THEN: Passing the driver's test.
    NOW: Passing the vision test.

  15. #870

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    GUIDE TO TRANSLATING "PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS

    Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.

    High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.

    Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.

    Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

    Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.

    Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.

    Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.

    Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.

    Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.

    Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.

    Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.

    Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.

    Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.

    Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.

    Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.

    Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.

    Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.

    Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.

    Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.

    Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.

    Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.

    Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.

    Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.

    Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.

    Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

    Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.

    Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.


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