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  1. #841

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    What a classic! Poor little Amy.

  2. #842

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

    The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

    The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

    The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

    The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

    The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

    The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.


    Don't ya just love lawyers?

  3. #843

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A Scotsman moves to Chicago and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run."

    The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN, RUN." The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

    The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!"

    The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

    A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

    The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

  4. #844

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Real Extracts from Complaint Letters to Landlords

    1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

    5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

    12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

    13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

    14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

    15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.


  5. #845

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    New Dog Cross Breeds

    Collie + Lhasa Apso
    Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

    Spitz + Chow Chow
    Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

    Pointer + Setter
    Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

    Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
    Peekasso, an abstract dog

    Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
    Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

    Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
    Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

    Newfoundland + Basset Hound
    Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

    Terrier + Bulldog
    Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

    Bloodhound + Labrador
    Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

    Malamute + Pointer
    Moot Point, great dog for lawyers

    Collie + Malamute
    Commute, a dog that travels to work

    Bull Terrier + Shitzu
    Oh, never mind...


  6. #846

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    In Australia, Virgin airlines attendants try to lighten the mood with witty comments. In the USA where competition is really hot, these are some of the best:-
    People in the airline industry aren't all serious...

    1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

    2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

    3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

    4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

    5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

    10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

    11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



  7. #847

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    ...or the other one...

    "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay in departure. The machine that we use to break the handles on your luggage has broken down and we have had to do it manually."

  8. #848

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A farmer is walking around his property and he sees a cow sitting on the tree.
    Comes closer and asks: What are you doing on the tree?
    Cow: I am eating plums.
    Farmer: this is an apple tree, where are the plums?
    Cow: In my pocket
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  9. #849

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    this is my last year of uni in tas and every year about this time family and friends start to ask is it getting cold yet.

    COLD IS RELATIVE

    40 degrees- people in Darwin turn off the heat. Queenslanders begin to evacuate the state.

    27 degrees-people in Darwin shiver uncontrollably, people in Tasmania sunbathe

    20 degrees-Sydney people wear coats, gloves and wool hats, people in Tasmania go swimming

    15 degrees- people in Tasmania throw on a T-shirt. Sydney people fly away to south pacific islands

    10 degrees-Italian cars won't start. people in Tasmania drive with the windows down.

    0 degrees- Distilled water freezes. Tasmanian water gets thicker.

    5 degrees below 0- Melbourne landlords finally turn up the heat. people in Tasmania have a last B.B.Q before it gets cold

    10 degrees below 0- people in Perth cease to exist. people in Canberra lick flag poles

    20 degrees below 0- people in Tasmania throw on a life jacket.

    40 degrees below 0- Darwin disintegrates people in Tasmania rent videos

    60 degrees below 0- Mt Hotham freezes. Tasmanian girl guides begin selling biscuits door to door

    80 degrees below 0- polar bears begin to evacuate the artic. penguins laeve Antarctica. Tasmania boy scouts postpone "winter survival" classes until it gets cold enough

    90 degrees below 0- Ethyl alcohol freezes. people in Tasmania get frustrated when they can't thaw their beer

    120 degrees below 0- Santa Claus abandons the north pole. people in Tasmania put a coat on

    270 degrees below 0- microbial life starts to disappear. Tasmanian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

    273 degrees below 0- All atomic life starts to disappear. people in Tasmania start saying "cold nuff for ya?"

  10. #850

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    one for all the bludging students

    Memo to all Students

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

    If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the tpo of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

    Students who do not take their S.H.I.T. seriously will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)

    Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)

    Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

    If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teachings others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.)

    For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION. (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.). This course will emphasises on how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.

    If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

    Thank you.
    BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
    (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

  11. #851

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Two chickens are standing on opposite sides of a road that has bumper to bumper trafic rushing by. One chicken sees that the other is upset and calls out "what's wrong?"
    The chicken replies, "I want to get to the other side".
    The first chicken looks at the other and says "you are on the other side"

    Eagle

  12. #852

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    WOMENS MEANINGS

    What common words, phrases and sounds actually mean, when a woman says them...

    Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

    Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

    Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

    Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

    Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

    Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

    Soft Sighs: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

    Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.

    Oh (as the lead to a sentence): Usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

    That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

    Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

    Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

    Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

    I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...


  13. #853

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...

    The bandage was wound around the wound.

    The farm was used to produce produce.

    The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

    We must polish the Polish furniture.

    He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

    A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    I did not object to the object.

    The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    They were too close to the door to close it.

    The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    After a number of injections my jaw got number.

    Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


  14. #854

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to
    cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.

    After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.

    "Kin ya swaller?" asked one of the cowboys.
    The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya
    breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue,
    shook her head 'No.'

    With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of
    her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and
    down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

    The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his Lone Star beer. His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

  15. #855

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    GOLF CADDY COMMENTS

    Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."

    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

    Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


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