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  1. #826

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    In a bookstore man asks the assistant:
    - Do you have "Man, the ruller of woman"???
    Answer:
    - We do not carry science fiction.

  2. #827

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Husband: How about a quickie for a change?
    Wife: Change from what...?

  3. #828

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Alcohol Warnings

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w@nker.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

  4. #829

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    The Navy had a dilemma, they had to many personnel. The Government thought long and hard about how to cull their ranks and came up with what they considered a fair plan. They offered a payment of $12,000 per foot measured from any two points of the body. The first officer to take up the offer picked the tip of his head to his big toe. Being 6 foot tall, the officer received $70,000. The second officer being only slighter smarter picked the distance between his index finger and his big toe. This measure 9 feet and the officer in kind received $108,000. The next member was a wise old non commissioned officer who chose the two points as being from the tip of his doodle to his testicles. The Navy representative looked at him and said, God god man, didn't you see the payout the two officers received? The petty officer said he did but he still wanted to be measured the way he chose. So the representative told him to "drop em" and then started to measure from the tip of his doodle. After a minute the Navy representative said, "God god, where are your testicles?"

    To which the petty officer replied.....VIETMAN !!!!!!!
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  5. #830

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    To which the petty officer replied.....VIETMAN !!!!!!! .............

    OMG ROFLOL well done loved it as an ex Navy man
    Rainbow Trout is NOT skittle flavoured fish.........

  6. #831

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing
    life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
    vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


    She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
    Some days I hate being married to a smart b##ch.
    Rainbow Trout is NOT skittle flavoured fish.........

  7. #832
    wiseguy67
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated



    sorry i can't get the link to the website to paste here....

  8. #833

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by wise67

    sorry i can't get the link to the website to paste here....
    Who, what link?

    Two peanuts walk into a bar
    One was a salted.

    A jump-lead walks into a bar.
    The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    A sandwich walks into a bar.
    The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.





  9. #834
    bo_sawyer
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    there was once a kid called Johny who was born without anything bar his head (all he had was his head)

    for 10 years he put up with being teased by the other kids and was mad that he couldnt ride a bike, go fishing etc...

    so 1 day little Johny came and talked to his mum about how bad his life was, his mum replied "well johny tonight when you go 2 bed why dont you pray and ask God for a neck'? johny thought this was a great idea and went to bed that night and did exactly what his mum had suggested. Johny woke up the next morning so excited!!! HE HAD A NECK!!! he was so proud and knew that tonight he was going to ask for a back and arms...

    bed time came and he prayed to god for a back and arms... next morning he woke up to a pair of arms and a back... WOW!!! this is so great!!! Tonight im going to pray for legs and ill be a normal little boy! YAY #

    the 3rd night came and he asked god for legs... next morning woke up and he was a completely normal 10 year old boy... he was over the moon!!! so much so he jumped out of bed and got on his bicycle (something he had been wanting to do since he was a baby) as he made his way out of the drive way and into the street he got hit by a car and was killed instantly... #

    moral of the story

    <

    <

    <

    <

    <

    QUIT WHILE YOUR A HEAD #


  10. #835

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
    some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
    up,he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

    Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
    the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get
    some refreshments.

    Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
    under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,
    well indeed he did.

    She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

    After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
    this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since
    her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at
    her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

    When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
    sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
    bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

    John quickly dressed and left.

    As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
    house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
    afternoon?"
    With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
    few minutes this afternoon."

    Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
    he give you $500?"

    In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
    her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $ 500."

    Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
    "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
    borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
    afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

    Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

  11. #836

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
    and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
    hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied," You're in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
    degreesnorth latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman," How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically
    correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and thefact
    is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded," You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist," but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
    going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
    air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
    expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
    in exactly the same position you were even before we met, but now,
    somehow, it's my fault."

  12. #837

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
    There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
    "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
    The owner looked at her and said,
    "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
    She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
    "New house, new madam."
    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
    "New house, new madam, new girls."
    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
    Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
    The bird looked at him and said,
    "Hi, Keith!"
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  13. #838
    wiseguy67
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    funny very funny

  14. #839

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    An email from a mate about kids and written tests.
    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.



    1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

    2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

    3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

    4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

    5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

    6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

    7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

    8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

    9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

    11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

    12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

    13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

    14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

    15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

    16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

    17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

    18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

    19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

    20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

    21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

    22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

    23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

    24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

    25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.


  15. #840
    ahjayem
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    G'day All

    Some more from the mouths of babes...

    Children Write About the Sea

    This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

    Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

    If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

    I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

    A dolphin breaths through an ####### on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

    My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

    When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

    I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

    I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

    Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

    My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

    When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

    When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

    When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

    Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

    On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)


    Tight lines always

    RJM

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