Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[teach]

L I P S T I C K - True Story!!!!!!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sussex, N.B. was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the Principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Following the instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee and solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl. He then scrubbed at the mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are Teachers... and then there are Educators.

[harry_h01]

Two old folks got married. As they were lying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been comlpetely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me." golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love.

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman says, "While we're baring our souls, I'd guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life".

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"

[aussiefool]

Late Paddy's day's jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of
me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

******************************************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said,
"I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand
over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you
want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father!" The
priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

************************************************** **********

Shean worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that
time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his
conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to
repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the
priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
Shean said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

******************************************

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching
the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the
flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow
the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still
stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

************************************************** ****

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly
phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

************************************************** *****

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have You been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

[aussiefool]

God Talks to Adam

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said,
"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said,
"I want you to rep! roduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath),
"Geez "
!

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily,
"What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

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*

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"What's a headache?"

[szopen]

Resignation letter.

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f-- k with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,
Ted Brewer

[Hoges]

Mobile phones for sale

Not sure which thread to post these????

As I'm not using them anymore am selling:

Nokia with Camera (4.1 mega pixels)

&

Nokia with Camera + Vibrating Alert

See below and if you or anyone you know is interested please contact:
stupid@hellstra.com !

Thanks

[BrandonH]

Two fish swim into a cement wall...
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"




Belive it or not but my Misses told me this one!!!

Cheers
Brandon...

[Hoges]

Two fish swim into a cement wall...
One turns to the other and says "Dam!"




Belive it or not but my Misses told me this one!!!

Cheers
Brandon...

Sorry Brandon, so have about a dozen others here.

Almost as bad as this oldie!

A bloke walks into a bar with a lump of ashphalt under his arm and says to the barman, "Give me a double scotch and one for the road"

[redspeckle]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALLof these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance,old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the
young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Mitch
GO THE COWBOYS IN 2006

[wiseguy67]

My canadian friend sent this:

No wonder...we're so tired!

The population of Canada is 30 million.

11 million are retired, that leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.

Of these, there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.

1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing Terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.

And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice.

Real nice.

[hussy]

kerry anne kennellys morning show

[wiseguy67]

.

[slugo]

Irish joke
patty was having a drink at his local and his mate simon came up to him and said you look bloody terrible patty what happen to you (patty had a black eye). arrr I went to church last sunday and you know when you sit down kneel down and stand back up.. well I did that and when we stood up the lady in front of me her dress got caught up her bum so I leaned over and pulled it out and the bloke next to her hit me.
A week later patty was back at his local and this time he had two black eyes a fat lip and a broken nose. his mate simon looked at him and said holy mother what happen patty . I went to church on sunday again and when we all sat down kneel down and stood back up the same lady from last week was in front of me her dress got caught up her bum and the bloke next to her pulled it back out. BUT I remembered from last week that she did not like that so I leaned over and stuck it back in ...

[Hoges]

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

[harry_h01]

blonds medical dictionary

bacteria = back door to a cafeteria
cat scan = looking for *****
injury = jury duty
xray = blue movie
cardiac arrest = busted for car theft
Anti-Body: against everyone
Enema: not a friend
Genes: blue denim slacks
Caesarean Section = a district in Rome
Colic = sheep dog
Outpatient = a person who has fainted
Saline = where you go on your boyfriend's boat
A-fib = a lie
Terminal Illness = getting sick at the airport
Varicose = nearby