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  1. #796

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated


  2. #797

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Three Horse...

  3. #798

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

    He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

  4. #799

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
    Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

    The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

  5. #800
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated


    YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

    FOR EXAMPLE .

    1. FREEZER BAGS:

    THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT
    THROUGH THEM.


    2. COPIERS:

    THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
    UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS
    ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.


    3. TYRES:

    THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.


    4. HOT AIR BALLOON:

    MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER
    IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.


    5. SPONGES:

    FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.


    6. WEB PAGE:

    FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.


    7. SUBWAY:

    MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.


    8. HOURGLASS:

    FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.


    9. HAMMER:

    MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S
    HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.


    10. REMOTE CONTROL:

    FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A
    MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS
    KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

    Mitch
    Go the Cowboys in 2006

  6. #801
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Drink Driving...brilliant!!
    Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

    From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
    story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
    tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar

    So intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
    man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was there for a few
    minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
    switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
    remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

    At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
    the road.

    The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
    the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

    I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
    Mitch
    Go the Cowboys in 2005

  7. #802

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
    "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
    So, he tied her up and went fishing.

  8. #803

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by Redspeckle
    YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.
    #
    #
    2. COPIERS:
    #
    THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
    UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS
    ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.
    #
    They also need a good service every now and then [smiley=2thumbsup.gif]

  9. #804

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by Feral
    So, he tied her up and went fishing.
    Excellent ROTFL

  10. #805

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Guys Camping

  11. #806

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    One for the Irish on St Patricks Day

    By what name do you call an Irishman that spends his life outdoors.
















    Pat'y O'Furniture

  12. #807

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated



    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
    their days interesting:

    Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
    shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

    I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

  13. #808

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Quote Originally Posted by jaybee
    Some of these jokes are what got the last joke page deleted, be kind guys, jokes can be funny without being foul. <br>cheers<br>Joe
    These jokes are hardly foul Joe, just don't read them if they offend you. I think the submitters do a good job of keeping the blue content down. TV has worse language (vocal and body) than is being alluded to here.

    Laughter is the best medicine, after fishing. Don't steal our meds Joe. Society has lost many of the freedoms we once thought to be normal. Let's not find new ways to be killjoys, the do gooders are doing just fine.

  14. #809

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    I dont know where you are coming from
    wetaline
    that quote from joe was on 30-07 2004 thats a long time ago, doubt you was even a member then
    why drag up a quote so old
    cheers
    blaze

  15. #810
    wiseguy67
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Email FW: warnings:

    Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit
    that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by
    sending this to your entire email list.

    If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
    survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

    This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.

    I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid -- and cheap.

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