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  1. #781
    Figjamm
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Haven't read every joke here, so don't know if this one has already been posted.


    What am I?

    I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in n out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position.

    What am I?

    Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush!

    What were you thinking?

  2. #782

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

    The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

  3. #783

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring Yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them.
    First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once We settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be Mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."
    Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care Of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
    They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son- of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
    First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
    Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their Young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.
    First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real Quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
    >
    >
    >
    Third Bull: "Sh!t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!!

  4. #784

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated


    A Blonde Goes Fishing


    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the
    right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After
    getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in
    the ice.

    Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO
    FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the
    ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet
    another hole in the ice.

    The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH
    UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the
    far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again
    the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

    The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''
    The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

  5. #785

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    God decided he needed a vacation.


    One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

    Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

    A third advisor suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."



  6. #786

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of
    stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little
    drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first
    mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read
    the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk
    today."

    "Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate
    said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a
    captain myself." "Well, is it true?" asked the Captain,
    knowing full well it was. "Yes, it's true," admitted the
    mate.

    "If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule.
    If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said
    the Captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's
    turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship
    seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."




    An officer in the U.S. Naval Reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies.
    The French Admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak French?"
    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it is because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German." The group became silent.




    A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when
    they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they
    found it was an Iraqi soldier.

    A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American
    soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to
    breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what
    had happened.

    "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the
    teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I
    looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic,
    deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"
    "He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a
    moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

    "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."




    It was wintertime, and one day George W Bush looked out at the White House lawns to discover that someone had urinated the phrase "Dubya is a jerk" in the snow. He was naturally incensed and called on his closest advisors to discover the culprit.

    They came back about an hour later and said "Mr President, I'm afraid we have some bad news and some really bad news regarding the snow incident."

    "Alright" says Bush, "What's the bad news?"
    "Well we've had the urine tested and it turns out the culprit was Dick Cheney."

    "Cheney, eh? And what's the really bad news?"
    "The really bad news, sir, is that the graphologists have discovered it's Mrs Bush's handwriting."


  7. #787

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A friend came into work this morning looking very glum. When I asked him what was wrong, he said...

    "My wife left me. I don't understand.
    After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses and I had to give up drinking beer.
    I was not a big drinker, maybe two 6-packs on weekends. What's that? Fifteen, maybe $20 at the most?
    Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping, I looked at the receipt and saw $45 for make-up.
    I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
    She said, "I buy that make-up so I can look pretty for you."
    I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
    I don't think she'll be back."

  8. #788

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband:

    'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!", she said. 'Something that goes
    from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!
    And I would prefer a blue one!'

    Happy and excited, she was counting down the days for her birthday.
    And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully
    bought.

    Apparently he is dead now ...

  9. #789
    mitch_05
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

    ---------------------------------

    Whats dumber then 3 brunettes building a house underwater?

    3 blondes trying to burn it down!

  10. #790

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    "
    The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
    fifty years ago?
    We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against
    the back fence and I made love to you."
    Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
    Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
    Again and we can do it for old times sake?"
    Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
    very good idea!

    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
    Listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
    He thinks, "I've got to see these two
    old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an
    Eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
    They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
    support, aided by walking sticks.

    Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
    Way to the fence.
    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
    trousers.
    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the

    Watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes.
    Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is
    amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he
    didn't know.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground
    recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and
    put their clothes back on.
    The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.
    I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but
    That was something .....
    You must have had a fantastic sex life together.
    Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


  11. #791

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
    perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few
    things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to
    an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can
    cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame,
    and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
    Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.*
    Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.
    His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for Harry?"*

  12. #792
    redspeckle
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    I don't know this be post yet but here its go's

    THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

    The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said "One."

    The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    "124,237.64."

    The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64," What the hell did you sell him?"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

    The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

    "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........Well, since your weekend's rooted, you might as well go fishing!!!"
    Mitch
    Go The Cowboys in 2006

  13. #793

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
    that used to be right, but now it won't float.
    Age before beauty is what we once said,
    but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

    Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
    C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
    D is for dental decay and decline;
    E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

    F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
    H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
    I for incisions with scars you can show.

    J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
    K is for knees that crack when they bend.
    L for libido, what happened to sex?
    M is for memory, I forget! what comes next?

    N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
    O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
    Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

    Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
    R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
    S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
    T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

    U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
    V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
    W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
    X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

    Y is another year I'm left here behind,
    Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

    I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
    And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  14. #794

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated


    When a woman wears leather clothing,
    A man's heart beats quicker,
    His throat gets dry,
    He gets weak in the knees,
    And he begins to thin irrationally,
    Ever begin to wonder why?



    Because she smells like a new ute!



  15. #795

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

    The pharmacist asked "How many?"

    The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

    The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.

    The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

    -------------------------------
    Veni, Vidi, Fishi
    I came, I saw, I Fished

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