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  1. #766

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated



    Stole this one from over the street.


    There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual
    dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
    Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
    Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
    Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    Operator: "Went away?"
    Caller: "They disappeared."
    Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    Caller: "Nothing."
    Operator: "Nothing??"
    Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
    Caller: "How do I tell?"
    Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
    Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
    Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
    Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
    Caller: "What's a monitor?"
    Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
    Caller: "I don't know."
    Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
    Caller: "Yes, I think so."
    Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
    Caller: "Yes, it is."
    Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    Caller: "Okay, here it is."
    Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    Caller: "I can't reach."
    Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
    Caller: "No."
    Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
    Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    Operator: "Dark??"
    Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
    Caller: "I can't."
    Operator: "No? Why not??"
    Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
    Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff our computer came in??"
    Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
    Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
    Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

  2. #767

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
    As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat downnext to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
    bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working ontractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
    about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
    When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I
    even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think
    of women."

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
    of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

  3. #768

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    I love these they are so close to the truth

    why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
    >
    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
    >
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,but check when you say the paint is wet?
    >
    Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
    >
    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
    >
    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    >
    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
    >
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    >
    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
    >
    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
    >
    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
    always white?
    >
    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
    >
    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
    something new to eat will have materialized?
    >
    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    >
    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
    >
    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
    >
    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
    >
    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
    the table you always manage to knock something else over?
    >
    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
    when we complained about the heat?
    >
    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
    >
    And my FAVORITE......

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
    suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --
    if they're okay, then it's you.
    Rainbow Trout is NOT skittle flavoured fish.........

  4. #769

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
    As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
    sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
    Were they trying to steal it?
    "Heavens no, we bought it."
    "Then why don't you drive it away."
    "We can't drive."
    "Then why did you buy it?"
    "We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get
    screwed.
    So we're just waiting............

  5. #770

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

  6. #771

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
    something
    "whats the time"

  7. #772

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY

    "Let's take your car"
    really means..."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of fuel."

    "I don't care what colour you paint the kitchen."
    really means..."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, grey, mauve or any other colour besides white."

    "Can I help with dinner?"
    really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

    "Have you lost weight?"
    really means..."I've just spent our last $80 on a cordless drill."

    "Good idea"
    really means..."It'll never work, and I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

    "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
    really means..."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

    "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
    really means..."Oh bugger, what have you done to yourself?"

    "I recycle."
    really means..."We pay the rent with the money from my empties."

    "It would take too long to explain."
    really means..."I have no idea how it works."

    "We're going to be late."
    really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

    "That's interesting dear."
    really means..."Are you still talking?"

    "You cook just like my mother used to."
    really means..."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

    "Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
    really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "Oh don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    really means..."I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I'll admit I'm hurt.

    "What do you mean, you need new clothes."
    really means..."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

    "Yes, I left plenty of fuel in the car."
    really means..."You may actually get it to start."

    "You look terific."
    really means..."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

  8. #773

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

    Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

    The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

    "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

    "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... ."

    "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

    Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

    "Oh! boy! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"


  9. #774

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    My wife left me.

    I don't understand.

    After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

    I was not a big drinker, maybe a Slab on weekends.

    Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup,

    I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

    She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

    I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

    I don't think she'll be back....
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  10. #775

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

    He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

    Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He as obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

    The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

    Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

    This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

    Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. Then said, "Now, tell him you've got a headache."
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  11. #776

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

    The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
    I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning

  12. #777
    wiseguy67
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Sobriety Test
    [ftp]https://myemail.westnet.com.au/cache/8DB49D637E1FABD931AAE340A5D4E1F4/480944089/DUIStop%5F1.wmv[/ftp]

  13. #778

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    One guy tells the other:

    - Yesterday I went to see the doctor, I have asked him to give me some cough medicne, but he gave me a laxative.
    - And what happend? Are you still coughing?
    - I didn't dare...

  14. #779

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated



    An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

    When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

    She replied: a can of peaches.

    The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

    The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

    The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

    Before the judge could actually pronounce the punuishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

    He said, "What is it?"

    The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

  15. #780

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


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