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  1. #751

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    blonde joke

    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
    training to become detectives. To test their skills in
    recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
    picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
    suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch
    him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman
    says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows
    his profile."

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
    flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde
    and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
    recognize him?"

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and
    says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only
    has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's
    the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and
    one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his
    profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
    with?

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
    picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice
    asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
    him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me
    a stupid answer."

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
    and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
    really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears
    contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting
    answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his
    file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the
    room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
    in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile
    on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
    The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good
    work! How were you able to make such an astute
    observation?

    "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear
    regular glasses because he only has one eye and one
    ear."


  2. #752

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

    You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

    reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



    A new wives store opened across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

    The third through sixth floors have never been visited.


  3. #753

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.



    Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"



    They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.



    "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"



    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"



    "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.



    "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


  4. #754

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.



    Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"



    They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.



    "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"



    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"



    "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.



    "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


  5. #755

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    BEER ALERT
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
    pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
    woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
    "Beer."

    CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHY

    http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


  6. #756

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    [quote author=Lone_Wolf link=1089172140/750#758 date=1140480850] BEER ALERT
    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
    pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
    woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called
    "Beer."

    Loved it ..... now I know why I gave up the drink
    Rainbow Trout is NOT skittle flavoured fish.........

  7. #757

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    There once was a guy born with no eyelids so he went to see the doctor.

    The doctor said "not a problem I can fix that". 'We will use your forskin for the eyelids.

    The man then replied "will it look normal"?

    The doctor replied "yes it will look normal but you maybe a little cockeyed but think of how good your forsight will be".

    Mike

  8. #758

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Girlfriend remote

  9. #759

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Now why on earth would you want an up button on the "Yappin"?

  10. #760

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by Fishin_Dan
    Now why on earth would you want an up button on the "Yappin"?
    Plentya reasons...

    What about the inlaws drop in? You gunna carry the conversation about Aunt Berylls hernia operation? Or you gunna slip out to the shed and sink a couplea beers?

  11. #761

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Just goes to show how differently men and women look at things...

    HER DIARY

    Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant
    and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

    HIS DIARY

    Today the Broncos lost. At least I got laid.


  12. #762

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    Can people really be this stupid?

    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

  13. #763

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    This is AMAZING!

    Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between male and female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically... until now.


    Below are two birds. Study them closely.........

    See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

    It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

  14. #764

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."


  15. #765

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please Keep them G Rated

    HUSBAND SAFETY TIPS

    DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
    SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
    SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

    DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
    SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
    SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

    DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
    SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
    SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

    DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
    SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
    SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

    DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
    SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
    SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

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