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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #46

    Re: Joke of the Day


  2. #47

    Re: Joke of the Day


  3. #48

    Re: Joke of the Day


  4. #49

    Re: Joke of the Day


    Element Name: WOMANIUM
    Symbol: WO
    Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

    Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

    Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

    Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

    Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

    Element Name: MANIUM
    Symbol: XY
    Atomic Weight: (120 +/ - 50)

    Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

    Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neuralize by saturating with alcohol.

    Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
    produce large quantities on command.

    Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

  5. #50

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Little Mary and little Johnny sit down at the breakfast table on a saturday morning and their mother asks "What would you like for breakfast" Little Johnny replies F**cken corn flakes.
    Well as expected his mother blows her top, gives johnny a backhander and sends him off to his room to be grounded for the day.
    After she cools down a little she turns to Little Mary and says, "Now what would you like for breakfast?"

    Little Mary replies "Well not f**cken cor flakes thats for sure!"

  6. #51

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Nice one DazB

  7. #52

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Cannibal father and Son were walking through the jungle when they saw a pretty, but naked blond run by. The Son said to the dad "Let's track her down, kill and eat her". The Dad said back "No, let's track her down and take her home and kill your Mother"..

  8. #53

    Re: Joke of the Day

    a carry on from zedjack33

  9. #54

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Confucius said...Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

    Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of
    Jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow."

    Love is blind and marriage is an eye opener.

    Confucius say: Woman who go out on boat with seven fisherman come home with one red snapper.

  10. #55

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A strange bird the coo-coo
    it sits upon the grass
    its wings neatly folded
    its beak is up its ass
    In this strange position it mur murs twit twit
    cuz it’s hard to sing coo-coo
    with a beak full of shit!

  11. #56

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Ten of the ugliest people in the world are all riding on a bus somewhere, when the bus crashes, and they all die. They go to heaven, and on arrival, they are greeted by God himself.

    "As a reward for living your life so ugly," God says, "I will grant you each one wish."

    The first person in line wishes to be beautiful, the second person wishes the same thing, as does the third, fourth and so on. When it comes to be the last person in line's turn, God see's him just laughing his ass off.

    "What is so funny my son?" asks God.

    The man does not reply, so God just asks for his wish.

    "I wish, that all those people are ugly again." replies the man.

  12. #57

    Re: Joke of the Day

    There's this forrest, and a magical turtle lives in it. One day he sees a bear chasing a rabbit so he stops them and tells them that they can each have 3 wishes.

    For his 1st wish the bear says that he wishes all the bears in this forrest were female except for him. Done.

    The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." The turtle and bear are a bit confused, but the wish is granted anyways.

    For his 2nd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the neighbouring forrests were female except for me." Done.

    The rabbit wishes for a helmet.

    For his 3rd wish the bear says "I wish that all the bears in the whole world were female except for me." Done.

    The rabbit says "I wish that the bear was gay." And he jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

  13. #58

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

  14. #59

    Re: Joke of the Day


  15. #60

    Re: Joke of the Day

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
    Veni, Vidi, Fishi
    I came, I saw, I Fished

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