Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[dasher]

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line OUT LOUD without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age make mistakes!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7.This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

[dasher]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured.


You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting." Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well."

"I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints". After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

You gotta love the Irish!!

[Hoges]

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

[gawby]

After the car skided into the tree the first man on the scene found the driver still behind the wheel, dazed and bleeding.
"How badly are you hurt? he enquired.
"How the hell should i know," muttered the driver. "Im a doctor not a lawyer."

[snappa]

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example
of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may
not be as exciting as you had hoped.

[bungie]

Snappa,
If all they are wearing are black leather thongs then you might be wrong there mate

[Hoges]

>> Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
>> Female customer: A white one...
>> ===============
>> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
>> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
>> Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
>> ===============
>> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>> Customer: Your left or my left?
>> ===============
>> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
>> Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
>> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
>> ===============
>> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
>> try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
>> the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
>> ===============
>> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
>> Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
>> ===============
>> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
>> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
>> ===============
>> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>> Customer: OK
>> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
>> Customer: Yes
>> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
>> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

>> ===============
>> Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as

>> in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
>> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>> ===============
>> Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
>> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
>> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
>> Customer: Five stars.
>> ==============

>> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
>> Customer: Netscape.
>> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
>> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>> ===============
>> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has
>>placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
>> ===============
>> Tech support: How may I help you?
>> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>> Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
>> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the
>> address, but how do I get the circle around it?
>> ===============
>> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
>> problem with her printer.
>> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
>> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
>> man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
>> ===============
>> And last but not least...


>> Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
>> same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to >> bring up the Program
>> Manager."
>> Customer: I don't have a P.
>> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
>> Customer: What do you mean?
>> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
>> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

"Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny"

[Hoges]

BRAIN CRAMPS



( On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

````````````



"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````



"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````



"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````



"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. (No, she wasn't hiding anything.)

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President



```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix

--Dan Quayle



``````````


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca



```````````


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.



````````````````````````````````````````````


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.



`````````````````````````````````


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President (Ex)



``````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore,


````````````````


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery



````````````````


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina



````````````````````````````````````````````


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,

[Hoges]

LIGHT BULBS

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[fish2eat]

Good Girls vs Bad Girls

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

[fish2eat]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.

[fish2eat]

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

[finga64]

not really a joke but:-

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart#--s student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bull--it artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[finga64]

(((RING))))

RINGING 486 - 5831

(((RING)))

>>

**Pick Up**

>>

"Hello?"

>>

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

>>

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul "

>>

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

>>

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

>>

*** Brief Pause ***

>>

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

>>

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

>>

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy"

>>

"And what happened honey?" he asked

>>

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

>>

"OH, my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"

>>

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

>>

***Long Pause***

>>

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486 - 5731?

[fish2eat]

-A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry ! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early !"

"I can't jump out the window ! It's raining out there !"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both ! He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems !"

So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm ?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home !"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining"