Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[teach]

GRANDMA'S BIRTH CONTROL PILLS

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.............................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

[Volvo]

THE HEN

Shamus O'rielly came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was allready asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Jayzus, Joseph n Mary who the feck are you!!!!??, might i ask" demanded Shamus, and what the feck are ye doin in me bedroom??...
The mysterious man answered "This isnt your bedroom and Im St Peter".
Shamus was stunned!! "You mean i'm dead!!??, that cant be!! i have so much to live for, i havent said goodbye to my familly!!!, Yourve GOT!! to send me back straight away"...
St Peter replied "yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen"..
Shamus was devastated!!, but knowing there was a farm not too far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A Flash later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground..
"This aint so bad " he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard Rooster strolled over and said "So your the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here??"..
"Aye, taint so bad " replied Shamus, "But i have this strange feeling inside like i'm about to explode!!".
"Your ovulating" explained the Rooster, dont tell me yourve never laid an egg before??".
"Never" replied Shamus. "Well just relax and let it happen" said the rooster.
And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time ...
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him......EVER!!!!!!.....
The joy just kept comming and as he was about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"SHAMUS, YOU FECKIN IDJIT, WAKE UP YOU DRUNKEN BASTARD!!!!!YOUR SHYTING THE FECKIN BED"!!!! ...

[Fishin_Dan]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide

"NO WAY" says the librarian... "You won't bring it back!"

[fish2eat]

T-Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...


I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.
My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
What am I? Fly paper for freaks?
I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

[Dug]

Stun gun....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.//

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could not be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I will do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to her, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I cannot be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I am still looking for my testicles? I am offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock///

[szopen]

Dug,

It's not a joke.
Rather a real life story.

Been there, done that.

Us men and the "toys".................

[onerabbit]

Top Ten Reasons Men prefer Guns to Women

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when....
you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a
backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.





And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....






#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A Gun :-)

[fish2eat]

SISTERS OF MERCY

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 kilometres. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 kilometres and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

[yibbiy]

Marge was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch her husband had left to her, but she knew very little about ranching and decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard and when no one else replied, she decided to hire the gay guy. She figured it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well. One day the ranchers widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didnt return. Two o'clock and no hirehand. It wasnt till after 3 in the morning he returned and found the ranchers widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "Dont ever wear my clothes to town again!!"

[grayson]

A young couplke are on their honeymoon in Perth and decide to do some diving. Unfortunately during the course of the day the young wife diassappeared and they could not find her. The husband was of course distressed and an immediate search began for the ypung lass. The next afternoon 2 policeman knocked on the door of the husbands hotel room. The husband invited them in and was in an obvious state of shock and distress. The elder of the policemen (Bob) then stated that he had some good news and some bad news and which would he like first. The husband still in shock said he would like the bad news first.

Bob explained that he and Baz had been out on the search and had unfortunately found the body of his wife wedged in a reef crevice. It appeared she had tried to access a cave and become stuck in the crevice and eventually run out of air and drowned. This was too much and the husband broke down in front of them. Bob consoled the man and sent baz out to the car to retrieve the personal effects. These ere presented to teh young husband along with a bag of 6 crayfish. The husband looked puzzled and so Baz explained that upon finding the body, a number of crayfish had begun to feast on the body and so they removed them all and this was his share.

The husband still in shock couldn't believe what he was hearing. He asks Bon if this is the bad news then whta good news could there ossibly be?

quick as a flash Baz pipes up and says ' Well me and Bob knock off work in a few hours and we were wondering if you want to come out with us and give her another pull?

[szopen]

A little Yeti asks his dad:

- Daddy, where are the people?

Dad:

- They are finished. Stop complaining and eat that jam.

[dasher]

THE ACTU WILLY AGREEMENT

I, the #####, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:-

1...I Do physical labour.
2...I work at great depths.
3...I plunge head first into everything I do.
4...I do not get weekends or Public Holidays off.
5...I work in a damp environment.
6...I do not get paid overtime.
7...I work in a dark workplace that had poor ventilation.
8...I work in high temperatures.


INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS HIGH COURT RULING.

Dear #####,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments that you have raised, the Administration rejects your requests for the following reasons:-

1...You do not work 8 hours straight.
2...You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
3...You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4...You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5...You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6...You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7...You do not always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
8...You will retire before you are 65.
9...You are unable to work double shifts.
10..You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
11..And if that is not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags!!!

Sincerely..............The Management. >

[dasher]

My children went to a muslim birthday party last night..........


Well bugga me if that wasn't the fastest game of pass the parcel I've ever seen!

[dasher]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asked the barman?
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.
I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno' he replied ...I never found the head!"

[szopen]

Two Chinese generals are talking:
- We will attack in small groups of 2-3 milion...