Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Dignity]

one day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river.

when she cried out, the lord appeared and asked, "my dear child, why are
you crying?"

the seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

the lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set
with pearls. "is this your thimble?" the lord asked.

the seamstress replied, "no."

the lord again dipped into the river. he held out a silver thimble ringed
with sapphires. "is this your thimble?" the lord asked again, the
seamstress replied, "no."

the lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"is this your thimble?" the lord asked.

the seamstress replied, "yes."

the lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.

when she cried out, the lord again appeared and asked her, "why are you
crying?"

"oh lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

the lord went down into the water and came up with mel gibson
"is this your husband?" the lord asked.

"yes," cried the seamstress.

the lord was furious. "you lied! That is an untruth!

the seamstress replied, "oh, forgive me, my lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if i had said 'no' to mel gibson, you would have
come up with tom cruise. Then if i said 'no' to him, you would have come up
with my husband. Had i then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
lord, i'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of
all three husbands, so that's why i said 'yes' to mel gibson."

the moral of this story is: - whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

[subzero]

Just had to share this being a Kiwi/Aussie hybrid.
If it could be done, Hellen Clarke would do it.
Hope it hasnt been posted previously?
Cheers Lloyd

[Dignity]

luvit #

sam

anyone got any sheep smilies - think there would be some around

[fish2eat]

Calling In Sick

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[fish2eat]

The Perfect Bar

[Hoges]

luvit

sam

anyone got any sheep smilies - think there would be some around

Only found this tiny one...

[Hoges]

...and this other tiny one...

[5cougarsthanx]

Short and sweet
What did the elephant say to the naked man?geez mate how do you drink with that.

[Alex9797]

man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "how much is a dozen oysters" . Waiter replies twelve.



Alex.

[uripper]

THE CREATION OF HEALTH (FOOD)

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would-live-long-and-healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Peter’s icecream, custard and cream donuts, and Satan said “You want chocolate with that”? and they both gained 5 kilos and Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair, and satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them, and woman went from size 8 to size 18.

God said, “try my fresh green salad”. And Satan presented thousand Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the meal.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them”. And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken, and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake and named it “Angel Cake” and said, “It is good”. Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food”.

Then God brought forth the potato. Naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fried the. And man gained ore kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra kilos. And Satan gave cable tv with remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and sat before the flickering blue light and put on more weight.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” and man replied, “Yes, and super size them”, and Satan said, “It is good”. And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created the Queensland Health Department……………

[Dignity]

Hoges - luvem

sam

[Oldmate]

How does a herder find a sheep in long grass.............

Quite satisfying.......

[teach]

THE PHOTO

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[teach]

GET THE WATER PETER!!!

One day, Grandma sends her grandson, Peter, down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking the dinner. As he is dipping the bucket in, he sees two big eyes looking back at him. He drops the bucket and hightails it for Grandma's kitchen.
“Now, where's my bucket and my water?” Grandma asks him.
“I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” cries Peter. “There's a huge ol' alligator down there.”
“Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no-one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him,” replies Grandma.
“Well, Grandma,” replies Peter, “If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink.”