Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[fish2eat]

After a 2 year study, the US National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

[fish2eat]

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[teach]

FARMER’S ACCIDENT

A farmer was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck. He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. “I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?” said the counsel for the insurance company.
“Yes, that's right,” replied the farmer.
“You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied," I've never felt better in my life: ”Is that the case?”
“Yeah, but –“
“A simple yes or no will suffice.”
“Yes;” replied the farmer quietly.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask the questions.
“Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health,” his lawyer said.
“Certainly” replied the farmer. “After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?”

NEW FARMHAND

A young skinhead started a job on a farm. The boss sent him to the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening, he was half an hour late. The boss got on the CB radio to check if he was all right. “I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck `ere. I've hit a pig!”
“Ah well, these things happen sometimes,” the boss said. “Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark”
“But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull-bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's going to hurt me!”
“Never mind,” said the boss. “There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home”
“OK, boss” replied the new farmhand.
Another half an hour went by but there was still not a peep from the kid. The boss got back on the CB. “What's the problem, son?”
“Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck”
“What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?”
“Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck!”

FALLING ASLEEP IN SERMONS

One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. "Take this hat-pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs Jones.
“Jesus!” Jones cried, as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hat-pin.
`Yes, you are right, Mr Jones.” said the minister.
Soon, Mr Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
“Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs Jones.
“Oh God!” Mr Jones cried out, as he was stuck again with the hat-pin.
“Right again,” said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of the sermon, he made a motion that Mrs Jones mistook as the signal to bayonet her husband with the hat-pin again.
The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after bore him his 99th son?”
Mrs-Jones poked her husband, who yelled, ”You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half, and shove it up your arse!”

[snappa]

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>>
>> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to
>>stand closer to the kitchen sink.

[snappa]

A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a
pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".

The pygmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast
like that?"

The pygmy said: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied: "There's about 90 of us

[snappa]

How do you fix a woman's watch?
>>
>> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

[finga64]

Ooh Snapper, If the cook ever catches you its gunna be [smiley=hanged.gif], if I meet you it's [smiley=beer.gif]

[fish2eat]

Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Optus Condom: Just say “Yes”

Microsoft Condom: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Mazda Condom: zoom zoom zoom…..yeah yeah yeah yeah

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

[aussiefool]

IT WAS GOOD





In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy

matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going

prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.



On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to
provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.



On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops,

sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the
beach,

drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed

someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the

barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.



On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the
Blokes.



He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to
wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

[gawby]

Stepping into the elevator the businessman quickly detected an offensive odour. The only other occupant was a little old lady. "Excuse me," he addressed her, "did you happen to pass wind?"
"Of course i did," she replied. "You dont think i stink like this all the time do you?"

[Hoges]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

[Darryl]

Classic hoges ahahahah ow it hurts.

[fish2eat]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork!! He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be sooooo cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee ).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...........well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

[fish2eat]

It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 17...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants