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  1. #4636

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    New Wine For Prior to Bed


    A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.




    NEW Wine for Seniors - I kid you not ...


    Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
    which primarily produce
    Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
    Grigio wines,

    have developed a new hybrid grape
    that acts as an anti-diuretic.
    It is expected to reduce the number of trips

    older people have to make to the
    bathroom during the night.

    The new wine will be
    marketed as
    PINO MORE
    I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
    I just could not help it!



























































  2. #4637

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.


  3. #4638

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    My Travel Plans For 2016

    I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

    Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

    I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

    I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

    I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


    I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


    I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


    Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older

    One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense ! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get

    I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
    Cheers
    Ray

  4. #4639

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The 303 Bar at the Adelaide River Inn NT boasts the stuffed carcass of Charlie the buffalo, who Mick Dundee hypnotised in the First Dundee movie.
    However I liked their BBQ aprons better, have the following text on the front:


    I’d rather be in the 303 bar
    Adelaide River Inn NT

    than cooking this barbie
    for you lazy bastards,

    so get me beer right now

    and
    no one will get hurt.

  5. #4640

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I have a rare medical condition-
    one of my testicles is larger than the other two.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  6. #4641

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres

    of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once

    a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone

    knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man
    is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.

    Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might
    like to come at about 5:00...'

    'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready

    to meet some local folks Thank you.'

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business,

    I can drink with the best of 'em'.

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
    I'll be there. Thanks again.'

    'More'n likely be some wild sex too
    .
    '

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming

    to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months!
    I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

    'Don't much matter.
    ...just gonna be the two of us.'

  7. #4642

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Subject: When you're over sixty...

    I was standing at the bar onenight, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me,grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phonenumber?"

    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer missesyou."

    Cost me 6 stitches...but, when youre oversixty................who cares?

    **********

    Cowboy:
    "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

    Lady Cashier:
    "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

    Cowboy:
    "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

    When youre over sixty................who cares?

    ***********
    I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
    She said, "If you lost afew pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.

    I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over thereinstead of you.

    Cost me a fat lip, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?
    ***********


    I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess whatday a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patienceand said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

    I said, "Yesterday."

    Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?

    ***********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

    Cost me a bloody nose, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?

    ***********

    I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on atable.

    I said, "Goodlegs."

    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed bynow."

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When youre oversixty................who cares?


  8. #4643

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    how can you tell a male ant from a female ant?
    drop them in water.
    if it sinks, girl ant.
    if it floats, boy ant.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  9. #4644

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I blew it!
    Just had a call from a nice mans, with a sub-continental accent, from some department with a name like “Dept of Unclaimed Funds “.
    He told me that they owed me about $7500.
    When I asked him how this had happened he explained that I had been overcharged for taxes, rates, shopping, and few other items.
    In my ignorance I couldn’t help blurting out ‘a likely story’ and shortly after that we were disconnected.

    I never got to find out how to claim the money.
    I suspect that after I gave him all my bank details he would have transferred the sum to me, but I’m guessing.

    If he contacts you, could you resist the urge to be scornful, and find out how he arranges to get the money to you? It’s better to have the full story.

  10. #4645

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Who am I?
    One Monday morning the postman was walking through theneighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.
    As he approached one of the homes, henoticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
    His wonder was cut short by Craig, the homeowner,coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recyclingbin.
    'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of aparty last night,' the Postman commented.
    Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had itSaturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 amSunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over forsome weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight thatwe started playing WHO AM I?'
    The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do youplay WHO AM I?'
    ‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out oneat a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through ahole in the sheet.
    Then the women try to guess who it is..'
    The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'msorry I missed it.'
    'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Yourname came up seven times.'


  11. #4646

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Little Johnny made himself a small wooden kart to ride around in. He was spotted doing over 80km/h along a straight flat piece of suburban road by the local cop with a radar gun. The cop chased on his motorbike and caught up with little Johnny. He had a good look over the kart and noticed it was well constructed and even had a bonnet. He asked Little Johnny, who was known to him, how did he make the kart go so fast on a flat stretch of road with no hill to get started. Little Johnny replied that he had made a motor and it was under the hood. "Where did you get the parts?" asked the cop. "From Dad's iron lung" replied little Johnny. "And what did your Dad say about that?" "Not much" said Little Johnny. Dad just said "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! "

  12. #4647

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Paddy McCoy was an elderly Irish farmer. He received a letter from the Department of Employment stating that there had been a complaint received by the Department to the effect that Paddy had not been paying his staff the minimum basic wage and an inspector would be sent out to interview the effected employees.
    The inspector arrived in due course and said to Paddy "Tell me about your staff and the pay and conditions they receive from you."
    Paddy said " Well, there's the farm hand. He is paid 250 pounds per week and gets free rent of a cottage for his family to live in here on the farm . Then there's the house keeper. She gets 190 pounds per week and free board and lodging in our house. Then there's the half wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work around here and he earns about 25 pounds per weeks, plus a bottle of whiskey and , as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife ."
    The inspector was aghast and said "That's disgraceful . I want to interview the half wit."
    Paddy said "Well now, that'll be me."

  13. #4648

    Re: Joke of the Day

    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  14. #4649

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Dear Landowner:
    NYSDEC Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs
    & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this
    research we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing
    this letter to request your permission to access your property.
    Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined
    significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic
    sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.

    Please fill out the attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you
    are willing to let us cross your property or not.


    If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research. Sincerely N.Y. State Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist

    RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNER:

    Dear: N.Y. State Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


    Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for
    the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this
    matter.

    We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident). You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle).

    You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first
    vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at
    the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life
    prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.
    If you are successful in the Draw you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident).

    Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.
    Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2″ diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18″ handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6′ from net frame to bottom of net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles.
    After 1pm you can use a net with a 3″ diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.
    As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waives if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status".


    You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog
    Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. T
    his course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

    Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

    Sincerely,

    NYS land owner
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  15. #4650

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated


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