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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #436

    Re: Joke of the Day

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
    complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
    Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
    comes up with a suggestion:

    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
    of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I
    stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    "How long will this take?" I ask.
    "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
    I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
    between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
    years?"
    Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't
    it?"
    He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he
    may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man
    [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

  2. #437
    Commodore
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes
    off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
    by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
    erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man
    replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me
    explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you
    called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool,
    lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
    way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
    and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers
    out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy
    man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says
    the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
    for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
    has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
    smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,
    "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
    $500 membership fee." "But, sir," she replies, "you've
    only here for a few hours and you haven't had the chance to see all our
    facilities."

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
    once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

  3. #438

    Re: Joke of the Day



    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
    and went to heaven.

    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your
    motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is: you can hang out
    with anyone you want in Heaven."

    Arthur thought about it for a minute and
    then said, "I want to hang out with God."

    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
    God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
    invented motorcycles, eh?!"

    Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
    God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
    that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a
    road?!"
    Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
    aren't you the inventor of woman???"
    God said, "Ah, yes."
    "Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

    3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

    5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

    "Hmmmm, you have some good points there..."
    replied God, "it may be true that my invention is flawed, but
    according to my calculations, more men are riding my invention than yours!



  4. #439

    Re: Joke of the Day



    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

    THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....

  5. #440

    Re: Joke of the Day


  6. #441

    Re: Joke of the Day

    >> > > >> > >A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old
    >> >son
    >> > > >> > >playing
    >> > > >> > >with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
    >> >train
    >> > > > stop
    >> > > >> > >and
    >> > > >> > >her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get
    > the
    >> >hell
    >> > > >> > >off
    >> > > >> > >now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of
    > bitches
    >> >who
    >> > > >> > >are
    >> > > >> > >getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going
    >> > > >> > >down
    >> >the
    >> > > >> > >tracks."
    >> > > >> > >
    >> > > >> > >The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
    > that
    >> >kind
    >> > > >> > >of
    >> > > >> > >language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
    > you
    >> >are
    >> > > >> > >to
    >> > > >> > >stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
    >> >your
    >> > > >> > >train...but I want you to use nice language."
    >> > > >> > >
    >> > > >> > >Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
    >> >playing
    >> > > >> > >with
    >> > > >> > >his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
    >> > > >> > >say..."All
    >> > > >> > >passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
    >> > > >> > >your
    >> >trip
    >> > > >> > >was a
    >> > > >> > >pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
    > heard
    >> >her
    >> > > >> > >little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
    >> >remember,
    >> > > >> > >there
    >> > > >> > >is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
    >> > > >> > >and
    >> > > >> > >relaxing
    >> > > >> > >journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child
    >> >added,
    >> > > >> > >"For
    >> > > >> > >those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
    >> > > >> > >please
    >> >see
    >> > > > the
    >> > > >> > >bitch in the kitchen...."

  7. #442

    Re: Joke of the Day


    >> > woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
    >> > I've
    >> >been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
    >> >"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
    >> >His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
    >> >stand
    >> >in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
    > headache;
    >> >I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
    >> >headaches are all gone."
    >> >
    >> >The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
    >> >His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
    >> >in
    >> >the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
    >> >see if he can do anything for that?"
    >> >The husband agrees to try it.
    >> >
    >> >Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
    >> >picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
    > bed
    >> >and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
    >> >He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps
    > into
    >> >bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
    >> >
    >> >His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
    >> >the husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into
    > the
    >> >bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
    > The
    >> >wife sits up and her head is spinning.
    >> >Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
    >> >With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
    >> >
    >> >This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
    >> >sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
    >> >
    >> >"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
    >> >
    >> >His funeral services will be held on Monday.

  8. #443

    Re: Joke of the Day


  9. #444

    Re: Joke of the Day

    This equation should be taught in all math classes!



    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,

    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,

    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

  10. #445

    Re: Joke of the Day

    >>>> > McDonald's love story...
    >>>> >
    >>>> > A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold
    >>>> > winter evening.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > They looked out of place amid the young families and young
    >>>> > couples eating there that night.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell
    >>>> > what the admirers were thinking:
    >>>> >
    >>>> > "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together,
    >>>> > probably for 60 years or more!"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his
    >>>> > order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking
    >>>> > food off of the tray.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
    >>>> > drink.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > The little old man unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it
    >>>> > in half.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > He placed one half in front of his wife.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in
    >>>> > two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the
    >>>> > man began to eat his few bites.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were
    >>>> > saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
    >>>> >
    >>>> > Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't
    >>>> > eaten a thing.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
    >>>> > sipped some of the drink.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
    >>>> > another meal.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face
    >>>> > neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer
    >>>> > and asked again.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little
    >>>> > old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
    >>>> > everything.
    >>>> >
    >>>> > What is it that you are waiting for?"
    >>>> >
    >>>> > She answered,
    >>>> >
    >>>> > "THE TEETH"

  11. #446

    Re: Joke of the Day



  12. #447
    Commodore
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale


    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

    The girl said "No."
    And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing and to the footy a lot.


    THE END

  13. #448

    Re: Joke of the Day

    When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded



    that I take her out to some place expensive...................

    So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!


  14. #449

    Re: Joke of the Day

    When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a
    box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
    In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the
    afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
    she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
    In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
    box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
    she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such
    contents.
    That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
    After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she
    confessed, saying,
    "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked
    into
    the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I
    gave in.
    But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
    Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
    deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
    beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
    Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by
    your
    behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
    and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
    Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
    peace.
    A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money
    in the box?"
    Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
    them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."


  15. #450

    Re: Joke of the Day

    During WWII 3 blokes were ship wrecked on a deserted island. An Aussie, a Pom and a Jap. They all decided to make their peace and get on with survival. The Aussie takes charge and sets out their duties. The Aussie will head out and look for water, the Pom will head out and look for food, and the Jap will head out for Supplies. They agree to meet up at the same spot in 2 days.
    Well 2 days later the Aussie and Pom meet up from where they left, but no sign of the Jap. They wait the next day, still no sign of him. Well another day goes by and they decide to go out and look for him. They start off in to the jungle the way the Jap went 4 days earlier.
    About 50 metres down the track the Jap jumps out of the bushes waving his arms and shouts . . . . "SURPLISE!"
    You say fish, I say yes please.

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