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  1. #4591

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station .
    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
    12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."
    13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
    17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
    20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
    21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

  2. #4592

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I slipped my finger in.....

    And as I slipped my finger slowly, inside the very, loose hole,
    I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
    I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me……



    "I really need a new boat," I thought to myself.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  3. #4593

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Good day for fishing
    Attached Images Attached Images

  4. #4594

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    You are on a horse which is galloping at a constant speed.

    On your left is a Lion traveling at the same speed as you.

    Behind you is an Elephant & in front of you is another Lion but you cannot overtake it.

    On your right is a very sharp drop-off.

    WHAT MUST YOU DO TO GET OUT OF THIS HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION?

    GET YOUR DRUNKEN A*SE OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND!!!!!!!
    GO THE CRUISER UTES!

    ....OH WHAT A FEELING!

  5. #4595

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Last night I heard the dishwasher making some whining and screeching noises. Then I realised she was vacuuming.
    Dale

    I fish because the little voices in my head tell me to

  6. #4596
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This hit it right on the head... Cartoonist must own a boat! Attached Images

  7. #4597

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A wife asks her husband to go to the shop to get some milk.

    " when you get there dear, if they have avocados, get six."

    Some hours later on his return, the husband put six cartons of milk on the table ."what the heck have you done" she asks.


    Husband replies, "well they had avocados"

  8. #4598
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of
    weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.

    This was the winner:

    Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
    One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
    "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
    "Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
    "Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.




  9. #4599
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A couple of bogans were returning home carrying a slab. They were walking past an outdoor cafe as a woman started choking on a piece of steak. Her husband yelled out for help.

    One bogan jumped the divider, pulled the woman's dress up, bent her over and whipped her undies down. He bent down and licked her bum.

    Even though she was close to blacking out, she was so shocked, she coughed the steak out and screamed.

    The bogan's friend gave him the thumbs up. "Nice one maaaate. It's the first time I've ever seen the Hind Lick manoeuvre."

  10. #4600

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
    Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

    After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

    Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

  11. #4601

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
    They stopped.
    George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Troopers and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"
    She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"
    George says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' George here your best goodbye kiss?"
    Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. George gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the State Troopers.
    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
    Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
    Kingfisher Painting Solutions:- Domestic and Commercial.

    For further information, contact details, quotes or advice - Click Here





  12. #4602
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    One for the legal types

    THE DUCK, THE LAWYER and THE FARMER





    A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. N.Z. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
    The litigator responded, "I just shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom..
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."


    (I love this part)

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

    V

  13. #4603

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two sardines were heading to Townsville.....they got lost and ended up in Cairns.

  14. #4604

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

    Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

    The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

    Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

    The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

  15. #4605

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    jesus saves

    moses invests
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

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