1. #4531

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    That's pathetic GF! You should be ashamed of youself.
    I'll pu it on the pommy car forum they'll love it.

  2. #4532
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

    Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.
    Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.


    A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.
    During a recent cold winter(for Townsville that is!),
    the wife was bringing some ofthe valued tender ones
    indoors to protect them from the cold night.

    It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants.
    When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge.
    She let out a very loud scream
    .

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
    She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for
    it.
    About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.
    He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance
    .

    The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
    That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.
    He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge..
    Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around
    She screamed and fainted,the snake rushed back under the lounge.

    The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth
    and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,
    so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.
    She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred
    .
    They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
    He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
    The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.
    The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.
    The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night
    .
    The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that's when he shot her
    What could go wrong.......................

  3. #4533
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Sex In The Shower


    IN A RECENT SURVEY CARRIED OUT BY "BRUT", A
    LEADING TOILETRIES FIRM; PEOPLE FROM CHICAGO HAVE PROVED TO
    BE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE HAD SEX IN THE SHOWER. IN THE
    SURVEY, 86% OF CHICAGOS INNER CITY RESIDENTS (MOST OF WHOM
    ARE REGISTERED DEMOCRATS) SAY THAT THEY HAVE ENJOYED SEX IN
    THE SHOWER.


    THE OTHER 14% HAD NOT BEEN TO PRISON YET!

    SORT OF BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES!
    What could go wrong.......................

  4. #4534

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    66 YEARS LATER ALL HAS BEEN REVEALED .



    This might help explain why computers sometimes have a mind of their own.



    In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

    Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

    He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

    "YAHOO," said Abraham.

    And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began. And that's the truth....


  5. #4535

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Never truer.

    The Last Dollar:

    > A man walks into a restaurant with his young son.
    > He gives the young boy 3 dollar coins to play with to keep him occupied.
    >
    > Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.
    > The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
    > on the back.
    > The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. He must have swallowed
    > all three.
    >
    > Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
    >
    > A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
    > suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
    > coffee.
    > At the sound of the commotion,she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
    > folds the newspaper, and
    > places it on the counter,gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
    > across the restaurant.
    >
    > Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the
    > boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then
    > ever so firmly. After a few
    > seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last dollar coin,
    > which the woman deftly catches
    > in her free hand.
    >
    > Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the dollar to the father and
    > walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
    >
    > As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
    > rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
    > anybody do anything like
    > that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
    >
    > 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with The Australian Taxation Office'


  6. #4536

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    i can't beleive they would really do this!
    can you imagine?!?
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  7. #4537

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    It is a spoof Sparky.

  8. #4538

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Fair dinkum,Sparky I think you believe this... lol

  9. #4539

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
    The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"




    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
    Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
    The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
    The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausages, why DID you ask me if I'm Irish?"
    The assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."


  10. #4540

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

    Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

    Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

    Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

    Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

    Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


  11. #4541

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    my cousin lives in ohio. he said it's true!!
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  12. #4542

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by littlejim View Post
    It is a spoof Sparky.





    you just made my day!!
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  13. #4543

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    These are the people you don’t want on your holiday!! Particularlymine!

    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOKVACATIONS"FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that thelocal convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams orginger nuts."

    2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta toclose in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."

    3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to findthat almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told uswe had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be includedin the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything whenwe returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. Itwas very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. Thechildren were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fullyequipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with thetaxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not readthe local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, wewere unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica toEngland. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seemsunfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to ourfriends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer forservice."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanishpeople there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one toldus that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and therewas no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisyor unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mentionmosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, butinstead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsibleand want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This wouldnot have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

    BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!!
    Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.

  14. #4544

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I phoned the local Chinese restaurant a couple of weeks ago and asked if they do take aways. They replied yes, so I asked them to please tell me what 123 minus 57 equals........ She hung up! Then again last week I rang and asked if they did take aways? and they said yes and I said good come and take away my wife, she is pissing me off! ..........she hung up. Those Asians have no sense of humour hey!


  15. #4545

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    https://www.youtube.com/v/mYP-2UCS5nY

    it took me a few moments to figure it out.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

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