1. #4516

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

    To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

    Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

    With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

    The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  2. #4517

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A Bible Lesson.

    According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

    And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!!

    Now that's what I call a miracle!!!

  3. #4518

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A pommy friend sends me this one at four yearly intervals

    A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

  4. #4519

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This would be one hell of a trip!

    Leigh (Kero).

  5. #4520

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Some Americans visited here and wrote the following:

    My wife, Celia and I along with another couple went on a 5 week tour of "Outback Australia". People asked us, "How can you tell
    when you are actually "IN the OUTBACK"? Here are some of the answers we have come up with. Keep in mind that NONE of these
    tidbits applies EVERYWHERE in the Outback. But EACH ONE applies SOMEWHERE in the Outback. All of us had a wonderful trip as we
    traveled along the route Sydney> Canberra> Melbourne> Adeliade> Perth> Geraldon> Port Hedland> Broome> Katherine> Darwin>
    Karunda> Alice Springs> Adeliade. We loved the trip, had no problems, the roads were good, (We stuck mostly to "sealed"
    [bitumen] roads.), hotels always had a room. In short, we had a GREAT time!

    Now to the MEAT.. You know you are in the Australian Outback when:

    1) You have to wait until after 9pm at night so the COLD water won't be too hot to bathe in. (Mt Isa)
    2) You find out that the water spraying over the pond near the artesian well is to cool it down from 160F so the cows can drink it.
    3) Some of the tractor trailer trucks you pass are 160 feet long and have three trailers in tandem (road trains).
    4) You are thrilled when you go out at 7AM and find the temperature only 33C (90F) so far.
    5) Stores offer insect repellent as "impulse items" beside the cash register.
    6) The petrol stations are 150 miles apart.
    7) You notice sweat running down your legs but in the next breath comment on how comfortable it is today.
    8) You look forward to the availability of the NEXT 3 STAR motel.
    9) You carry your own jar of instant Lipton's Iced Tea (with lemon) into the restaurant for dinner.
    10) You find that you can routinely see 3km or more down the perfectly straight road when you get ready to pass a road train truck with 3 or 4 trailers.
    11) You can drive on the main highway in Western Australia (and the ONLY paved highway) for the region and pass just 5 vehicles an hour
    coming in the opposite direction.
    12) You stop on the side of the road, and any driver coming along stops and asks if you need help.
    13) The anthills on the side of the road are taller than you are.
    14) Farms along the highway are often larger than Rhode Island.
    15) Your Hertz rental station wagon is the only 2 wheel drive vehicle in a parking lot. (And the others all have "Roo Bars" and snorkels.)
    16) You are afraid to drive at night because you might hit a kangaroo.
    17) Petrol costs 95 cents a LITER and you are DELIGHTED to pay it. (in 1998)
    18) The car air conditioner is always on BOOST.
    19) You get excited because the sign says "McDonald's - 190km ahead".
    20) A heated discussion develops over whether to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the car or to eat at the roadhouse lunch bar, the only restaurant within 300 km.
    21) Your wife keeps asking if you checked the oil and water at the last petrol stop.
    22) A petrol station with 2 pumps, a one star motel, and a lunch counter is shown on a map of the continent.
    23) The nearest telephone is 150km away.
    24) You see a bush fire and report it at the next police station and they say, "Burn now, burn later, don't worry about it".
    25) They call dust devils "Willie Willies" and you can see 4 or 5 in a day.
    26) Getting dressed up to go out to dinner means putting on your socks.
    27) One of the questions you ask at the motel desk is: "Do you have evaporative cooling or refrigerated air conditioning?"
    28) The lizards you see on the highway are 2 feet long.
    29) You notice that the electric power line along the road has only ONE wire.
    30) The motel runs its diesel generator all day and all night every day so you will have electricity.
    31) The motel has its own water demineralization plant.
    32) You wonder why in the world you brought all of those long pants with you.
    33) The Flying Doctor Service guarantees they can get you to a hospital in less than 2 hours in case of emergency.
    34) The locals advise you to take an HF radio with you to use in case you have an "off the road" emergency and need help.
    35) You check your emergency food and water supplies each morning before leaving the motel.
    36) You come to know the true meaning of "miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles".
    37) You go outside and notice sweat beads rolling down your back and consider it perfectly normal.
    38) Most of the wide river beds you see are without water.
    39) Road signs say names like "Humpty Doo and Jabiru, next left".
    40) Road signs warn of "Kangaroos, next 50km".
    41) The TV in the motel has ONE channel and it ISN't CNN.
    42) You turn on the car radio and fail to locate ANY station on either the AM or FM dial.
    43) You notice that the flies go for the nose first.
    44) The girls notice that the lower back half of their hair is soaking wet and they haven't been swimming or showering.
    45) You aren't able to wear a t-shirt more than one day.
    46) You are pleased to invest $7 in your own personal "face net" to keep the ever present flies at bay along the shore.
    47) The water in the swimming pool is warmer than your bath water.
    48) The locals all have SNORKELS on their four wheel drive vehicles in case of flooded roads. (And, just as important..
    to keep the air intake up out of the dust so you will not have to change your engine air filter daily if you drive on "unsealed"
    49) The cockatoos and parrots are flying FREE.
    50) You know you can't be lost because there is only one paved road within 250km and you're on it.
    51) You realize that the Aussies wear knee length socks in the desert to soak up the sweat and help cool off their legs.
    52) The hotel you stop at for the night has a large outdoor swimming pool with 40 tons of refrigeration so the water is
    cool enough to swim in. (Mt. Isa)

    Whatever it is about the Outback, you know that the beauty, the
    harshness and the uniqueness of the Australian Outback are
    without comparison and that you will return one day to this
    picturesque place. Original written 2/15/98

    By Joe Mehaffey, et al

    I fish because the little voices in my head tell me to

  6. #4521
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Posted here due to the lack of a self improvement / training section!

    What could go wrong.......................

  7. #4522
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

    As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

    She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

    What could go wrong.......................

  8. #4523

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    closed.JPGcanberra winter minus 8 (Hope the picture works)

  9. #4524
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

    The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.

    A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

    National Defense Headquarters
    M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
    101 Colonel By Drive
    Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

    Dear Concerned Citizen,

    Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

    Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

    Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

    Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

    Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

    You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

    You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

    Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

    Gordon O'Connor
    Minister of National Defense
    What could go wrong.......................

  10. #4525

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    That is gold Chimo. They should start the same program here for the bleeding hearts.
    "I soak the worms in rum. The fish love em and the worms die happy"
    "Alcohol is not the solution to your problems...................but then again, neither is milk"

  11. #4526
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Nolan's Cheddar helps a mouse cheat death By Adweek Blogs

    • February 23, 2010, 9:47 AM EST

    This video came out last year, but we missed it, so we're circling back. It's a fake 90-second cheese ad done for fun by British animatronics master John Nolan (who worked on Where the Wild Things Are, among other films). It shows a mouse having a nasty run-in with a trap, but that's just the beginning of the story. It's worth sticking with, even for the squeamish. Nolan used a live mouse for the opening shots and animatronics for the rest. "The rat was actually a robot I made covered in silicon," he says. "It still had its real hair and nails of a dead rat, but I had to punch this in individually into the synthetic skin, a bit like how hair transplants work." For more, check out Nolan's Web site, where he posted this quote on his homepage: "I thought your mouse commercial was horrifying. I know it went 'viral' and you certainly got your 15 minutes of fame. Shame on you. I actually gasped. It made me sick." Via Adverblog.
    —Posted by Tim Nudd
    Get the The AdFreak Daily newsletter:
    What could go wrong.......................

  12. #4527

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Somebody has come up with a use for dead flies:

    Turn 'em into funnies.

  13. #4528

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated


  14. #4529
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What could go wrong.......................

  15. #4530

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    "Bet" you didn't know this about Las Vegas .
    Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO

    It?s so easy to fool old folks!!!

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