Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lancair]

ittle Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark and steel the damn thing!"

[littlejim]

for the squid hunters
Attachment 103471

[Chimo]

A professor at a Sydney University was giving a lecture on paranormal studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asked, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

88 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raised their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further ....
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bob raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Bob, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"


"Ghosts, shit, from way back there I thought you said "Goats.""

[Chimo]

New Darwin Awards

---

SIXTH PLACE: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope, and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.


FIFTH PLACE: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.


FOURTH PLACE: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him.


THIRD PLACE: "Man loses face at party" A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne, "Another man had a blasting cap in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said," I'll show you how to set it off!” He put it into his mouth, bit down, and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. (Note: Maybe that's why they call these the Darwin Awards)


SECOND PLACE: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friend had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."


THIS YEAR'S WINNER: John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries upon moving the truck, they found John deceased under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

[Chimo]

Huggies.jpgFor Your Information.

[ozynorts]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............

(scroll down)






"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[groverwa]

Pastor of Note

A Texas pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand
and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then,
slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway
train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as
she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.

Life is Short; Smile while you still have Teeth. Give me an Amen brother

[Chimo]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams,

“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

[Chimo]

http://digg.com/video/drivers-in-eth...traffic-lights Perhaps Russians should be sent here for defensive driving lessons?
Maybe this is the wrong location, move if necessary.

[sparkyice]

Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.

[sparkyice]

Teacher asked her class to use 'definitely' in a sentence. Jane raised her hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." Teacher told her that she was wrong because the sky is grey sometimes. Then Jack raised his hand and said, "Trees are definitely green." Once again Teacher corrected her student saying that trees turn different colors with the seasons.

Little Johnny raised his hand, "Do farts have lumps?" he asked. Teacher said no. "Then I definitely shit my pants."

[sparkyice]

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

[sparkyice]

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

[sparkyice]

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.

"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"


and that's enough...for now

[Nabba1]

I had a cat with a stutter, yes a stutter!
When a dog jumped the fence my cat arched its back and went Fff... Fff...Fffff
But before it could say F@#k the dog got him.