Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[wayno60]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said....



The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.



After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"



"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"



"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.



The girl finished her bath and went to bed.



Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"



"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."



"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."



"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

[Lancair]

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says, "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?” his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," the boy says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they are now starting to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?” says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited, "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad", the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with the little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"

[Lancair]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot, grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Chimo]

Recently, while I was working in my yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year-old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said that she wanted to be the prime minister someday.

Both of her parents were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were the prime minister of Australia, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give shelter and food to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow... what a great goal!" I replied. "But you don't have to wait until you're the prime minister to do that!" I exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go down to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use for food and shelter."

She thought that over for several seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work himself and you can pay HIM $50?"

I said... "NOW you're thinking like an Australian!"

Her parents no longer speak to me.

[Gon Fishun]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could put one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun... "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and come down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.




Don't mess with usseniors!

[wayno60]

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to

serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing

confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in...

on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions,

then the old priest asks him to step out of the

confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your

chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying

things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one

hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little

better than slapping your knee and saying,

‘No shit, what happened next?????’"

[Gon Fishun]

One Friday, a balding, white haired and very smartly dressed man from Ascot, walks into a jewellery store with a drop dead gorgeous, and much younger lady at his side.
He tells the jeweller “I’m looking for a special ring for my lady friend here”
The jeweller looks through his stock and brings out a beautiful, sparkling $5,000 ring.
The elderly gentleman says, ‘No, I’d like to see something even more special.’
At that point, the jeweller looks through his stock and brings another, MUCH larger ring over.
‘Here’s a stunning ring, twice the size with 3 times the clarity, however it’s very expensive…It’s $40,000’.
The younger lady’s eyes sparkle and her whole body trembles with excitement. The old man seeing this says, ‘We’ll take it.’
Adding ‘I’ll pay by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phones the old man and screams ‘There’s no money in that account!’
‘I know,’ said the old man,
‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

[Chimo]

Thought about this for the Politics thread but ...............

The Tax System Explained in Beer

===============================================
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…
· The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
· The fifth would pay $1
· The sixth would pay $3
· The seventh would pay $7
· The eighth would pay $12
· The ninth would pay $18
· The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
The bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
· And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
· The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
· The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
· The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
· The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
· The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier
osphere is somewhat friendlier

[Chimo]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades, or at least they think they are) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name,
and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.
" "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter,
I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what?
I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!" The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.
When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says
"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be
forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."


PS This could apply to a number of trades and labour situations.....

[Gon Fishun]

Sex and good grammar.



On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"

"Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine
will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was
the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle ..

[Chimo]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
Asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
From you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
Pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
Next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
Him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
The barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
Community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
Next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
Card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
Barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
Community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
Citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Lancair]

A man sends a text to his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[sparkyice]

my girlfreind stormed out of the bedroom the other night. she was furious with me.

it was then i realized that, somehow, you don't really mind the smell of your own farts.

[groverwa]

And why do farts smell?

Answer - For the benefit of deaf people.

[Nicko_Cairns]

A female blonde cop stops a female blonde motorist and asks for her drivers licence.


The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a makeup mirror.


She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, hands it back and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a cop I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."