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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #376

    Re: Joke of the Day

    lmao hoges

  2. #377

    Re: Joke of the Day


  3. #378

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Proof That The World is Nuts


    In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
    (like THAT makes sense.)

    In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
    (do they look different reversed?)

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
    (a brick??)

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(much worse than "going blind!")

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

    Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
    (let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

    In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
    (Ah! Justice!)

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
    (but of course!)

    In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
    (makes one shudder at the thought.)

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
    ( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

    In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
    (is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (who volunteers for this stuff?)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
    (from drinking little bottles of ... ?)
    (did the government pay for this research??)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Ah, geez.)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don't have brains.
    (I know some people like that, too.)

    And, the best for last:
    Turtles can breathe through their butts.
    (and I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

  4. #379

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Yeh All.


    Whow !



    > A West Aussie who was working on contract for 3
    > months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
    > Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
    >
    > He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a
    > round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
    > announces his wife back home has just produced a
    > typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
    >
    > Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25
    > pounds, but the West Aussie just shrugs, "That's about
    > average in WA. Like I said, my boy is a typical West
    > Aussie baby boy.
    >
    > Congratulations showered him from all around and many
    > exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard. One
    > woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
    >
    > Two weeks later the West Aussie returns to the bar.
    > The bartender says "You're the father of that typical
    > West Aussie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
    > Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in
    > 2 weeks we were going to call you. So, how much does
    > he weigh now?
    >
    > The proud father answers, '17 pounds"
    >
    > The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What
    > happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
    >
    >
    > The West Aussie father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from
    > his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
    > onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him
    > circumcised mate"






  5. #380

    Little Johnny


    >> >Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
    >> >peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster
    >> >was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there Johnny?
    >> >"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully without looking up,
    >> >"and I`ve just buried him."
    >> >The neighbour was very concerned. "That`s an awfully big hole for a
    >> >goldfish isn`t it?"
    >> >Johnny patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That`s because
    >> >he`s inside your f....in' cat."

  6. #381
    marlinj
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Difference Between Guts & Balls......

    - Coming home from a late night on the piss with your mates,smelling of boos and lip stick on your collor and your wife is still up sweeping and a abusivly says 'Your late, where have you been,what have you been up to'.

    And you have the Guts to say 'You still cleaning'

    - coming home from a late night out with your mates, smelling of boos and lipstick on your collor. Looking at your wife....

    And you have the balls to slap her on the ass and say
    'Righto love your next'

  7. #382

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Apologies if I or someone else has posted this before....

    One fine Sundee morning a Collingwood supporter was hooking into some tasty yum cha in Chinatown.
    After an hour or so he decided to walk off his now full belly & took a leisurely stroll through Chinatown.
    Walking down Little Bourke Street (or as we like to think of it - David Street) he noticed an antique shop, almost hidden, down a side alley & decided to investigate.
    Picking through the dusty objects on display & going through old boxes quicker than Burt Reynolds, a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.
    Picking it up he asks the old white haired Chinaman how much for the sculpture.
    "Ten dorrar for rat" the old man smiles ".....and one hundled dorrar for story behind it."
    "You can keep the story old man" laughs the Collingwood supporter "but I'll take the rat!" & he chucks him a tenner.
    Looking at his watch the Collingwood supporter heads for Flinders Street Station.
    But ten steps out of the shop he hears a scurrying behind him.
    Turning he discovers 2 live rats following him.
    Picking up his pace he turns back onto Little Bourke Street. Looking over his shoulder though he finds 6 live rats following him!
    Nervously he starts to jog towards Swanston Walk. But as he passes each drain opening more & more rats join in the chase.
    Pretty soon he has broken into a sprint with an army of rats in tow. There are hundreds if not thousands ovvem!!
    Sweating & frantic he bolts towards the Yarra but the rats are beginning to catch up.
    With his last desperate breath he leaps towards a lamp-post by the river's edge & grabs it with his free hand whilst thrusting the bronze rat sculpture into the middle of the Yarra. Shaking & still clinging to the post he watches in amazement as the seething tide of chasing rats all dive into the Yarra after the sculpture & drown.
    Regaining his composure & calming his nerves the Collingwood supporter heads back to the Chinatown antique shop.
    "Ahhhhh so, you come back for story?" the old man grins wisely.
    "No!" says the Collingwood supporter. "I was wondering if you have a sculpture of a Carlton supporter!"

  8. #383

    Re: Joke of the Day

    My stomach hurts after laughing through that squirrel story. ;

  9. #384

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Same here, its very well written

  10. #385

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A middle-aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good about herself.

    She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
    He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

    They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.
    She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,...how old am I?"

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No, I won't", she says.

    He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

  11. #386
    bidkev
    Guest

    Nine Month's Later Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: NINE MONTHS LATER

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
    "Yes, I do." said Bob.
    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
    to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
    Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
    -
    -
    -
    -
    Spoiler-
    -
    -

    "She just died and left me everything."

  12. #387

    Re: Joke of the Day

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
    limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
    gun on the
    other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
    car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
    asked, "What's your hurry?"
    To which she replied, " I'm late for work."
    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
    rectum stretcher do?"
    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
    up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
    I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
    slowly but surely stretch,
    until it's about 6 feet wide."
    "and just what do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" he asked
    To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
    behind a bridge..."

    Traffic Ticket $95.00
    Court Costs. $45.00
    The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

  13. #388

    Re: Joke of the Day

    This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.

    This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.


    "Mouse Balls"

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

    Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

    It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

    Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

  14. #389

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

  15. #390

    Re: Joke of the Day

    hope this works

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