Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #4021

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    ELTON AND DAVID'S BABY

    They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

    When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

    In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
    "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!
    "The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...
    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  2. #4022

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Hey Guys my cousin and i made this video THE WHOLE THING IS A JOKE LOL!!!!!



    let me know what you guys think

  3. #4023

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
    in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
    she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
    right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,

    ... "Business trip or vacation?"
    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the
    annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

    He swallowed hard. Here was THE most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
    sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he asked, "I see. What's your
    role at this convention?"

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
    popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men
    are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
    Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

    Another popular myth
    is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
    Greek descent.

    We have also found that the best potential lovers in
    all categories are the Irish,"

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

    "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even
    know your name."

    "Tonto," the man said..."Tonto Papadopoulos. But everyone calls me Paddy."

  4. #4024

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated







    If you have ever used anelectric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
    Thelanguage used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

    ...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heardabout burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure thisnever happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along thetop of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feetinto the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in theground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a factthat I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reacheddown to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

    It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my righthand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind thecharger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upsidedown cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of mybody. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firingin the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

    It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower werefighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times inless than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where timeis creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap yourpants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality itwas so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto thefence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. Igrew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always hadthose piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9volts and just kinda tickled.

    This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now acceptingsignals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At thispoint I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until thelawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

    Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into aloping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idlenicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for thego command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in myown backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he leftme there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity hadcreated.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out ofgas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

    There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and thenanother long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the groundstill holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resultingthrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (notthe left, just the right).

    3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as youmight think.

    4 - My left eye will not open.

    5 - My right eye will not close.

    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our littlesession cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better thannew after that.

    7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of thenumber 4 (still don't understand this???).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make surethe fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I canclearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me awarm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before Imow.

  5. #4025

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

  6. #4026
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truckfixed. Theycouldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't livefar and wouldjust walk home.On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucketand agallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up acoupleof chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he nowhad aproblem - how to carry his entire purchases home.While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little oldlady whotold him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603Mockingbird Lane ?'The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close tothathouse I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

    The old lady suggested, 'Well, why don't you put the can of paint in thebucket.Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carrythegoose in your other hand?
    ''Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old dearhome.On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.We'llbe there in no time.'
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am alonelywidow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we getinthe alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, andhaveyour wicked way with me?'
    The farmer said, 'Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallonofpaint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possiblyholdyou up against the wall and do that?

    The old lady replied, 'Well, you set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,putthe paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'.



    What could go wrong.......................

  7. #4027
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    WARNING !!!!




    Don't wash your hair with shampoo in the shower

    It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

    IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT . WARNING TO US ALL!!!

    Shampoo Warning!

    I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

    I use shampoo in the shower!

    When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

    "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME." No wonder I have been gaining weight!



    Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Sunlight dish soap instead. Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem solved!
    What could go wrong.......................

  8. #4028

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Now on sale at IKEA - 'Lesbian' beds..... no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

    A Muslim athlete has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police suspect it's race related...

    Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths will temporarily close lanes 7 and 8....

    I got a reply from Screw Suppliers On-Line thanking me for my interest - apparently they are not a dating agency...

    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit,
    a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

    I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "A meal for two with a terrible view," is not a polite way to call number 69.

    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and feeling dizzy.
    He calls down to Murphy, "Oi moight 'ave ter go 'ome, Murphy. Oi've come over all shakin' an' giddy."
    Murphy: "Would yer be 'avin' vertigo Paddy?"
    Paddy: "Not really. Oi only live round t' corner."

    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still full
    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  9. #4029

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    a penguin was motoring down the highway when the "check engine" light came on.
    he took the nearest exit, looking for a repair shop. he was releived to find one not too far down the road. speaking with the mechanic, he was told it would be a couple of hours before his car could be looked at. however, there was a marine mammal park across the road, and the garage had it worked out with the park so their customers would get a free meal with a paid admission.
    that sounded agreeable to the penguin and he went to look it over.
    after a couple hours he came back to the garage to check on his car.
    the mechanic told him "looks like you've blown a seal".
    "oh no!" said the penguin, looking down and wiping off his chest, "that's just a little ice cream!"

    i may have posted this previously. forgive me, i have CRS- can't remember sh*t.
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  10. #4030

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have fun loving with Daisy.
    The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
    Donald frowned and said, "No."
    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have fun loving.
    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
    So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
    "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
    The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
    "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  11. #4031

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
    Husband says "that's not true .. Sometimes I want a kebab"
    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  12. #4032

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
    He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
    The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
    "Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"
    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  13. #4033

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  14. #4034

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Lady goes into the local tackle shop to get hubby a pressie. She picks up a combo and asks the guy behind the counter if its good.
    He says " sorry madam I am blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell what it is from the sound it makes."
    She drops it loudly on counter and he tells her " nice combo Shimano T curve with a bait runner real and your in luck its on special for $200."
    The lady says she will buy it, reaches into her hand bag pulls out her wallet but drops it. As bends down to pick it up she farts. The sales person says nothing and she is glad he cant see how embarrassed she is.
    " thats $217 thanks" says the blind guyt
    The lady quickly replies "you said they were on special for $200"
    "yes ma'am they are but the duck caller is $7 and the crab bait $10".

  15. #4035

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Paki sneaking through next door's garden.



    Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

    He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.



    My wife said 'darling you're shaking, what is it?' 'you'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, 'that bastard next door has still got my bloody shovel'


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