Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #3946

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  2. #3947

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  3. #3948

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Cheers, Doug.
    Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.

  4. #3949
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

    The following questions were in last year's GED examination.
    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) – and they breed and vote.

    Q. Name the four seasons.
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q. How is dew formed?
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?

    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

    Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?

    A. When you are sick at the airport.
    (Irrefutable)

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

    Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.(brilliant)

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
    What could go wrong.......................

  5. #3950

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A little kid said to me ''what's your favourite Telly Tubby'' I said ''Probably the Samsung 42 inch flat screen you cheeky little bugger.
    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


  6. #3951

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    untitled.jpg
    Nothing nothing (Have to write something)

  7. #3952

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated


  8. #3953

    Re: Joke of the Day

    True story of a bloke who tried to pay his electricity bill wih a drawing of a spider......

    Dear David,
    Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
    Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Re: Overdue account

    Dear Jane,
    I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
    Regards, David.


    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Overdue account


    Dear David,
    Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
    Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Re: Overdue account


    Dear Jane,
    Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
    Regards, David.

    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account


    Dear David,
    You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
    Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account


    Dear Jane,
    Yes please.
    Regards, David.

    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

    Attached


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Whose spider is that?

    Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
    Regards, David.

    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?


    Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.
    Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Automated Out of Office Response


    Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
    Regards, David.

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


    Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
    Regards, David.


    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


    Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
    Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
    To: Jane Gilles
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


    I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
    Regards, David.

    From: Jane Gilles
    Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


    Attached

  9. #3954
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What could go wrong.......................

  10. #3955
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    DIVORCE AGREEMENT

    THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVEIT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!!
    WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

    Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

    We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

    Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way

    Here is a model separation agreement:
    Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

    We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

    We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens.

    You can make peace with Iran
    , Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

    We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

    We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find.

    We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning.”

    We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
    Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

    Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

    Sincerely,
    John Wall
    Australian Law Student

    PS. Also, please take
    Bob Brown, Sarah Hansen Young, Christine Milne Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Julia, Penny Wong, Tony Windsor, Rob Oakeshott and Jenny Macklin with you.

    PSS. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country
    What could go wrong.......................

  11. #3956

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    How to wash a cat

    1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...



    2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.



    3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.



    4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this
    !


    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.



    6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

    7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

    8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

    9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.


    Yours Sincerely,
    The Dog



  12. #3957

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
    >
    > Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
    >
    > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
    >
    > Dear Mrs. Harris,
    >
    > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are
    > listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
    >
    > 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
    >
    > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    >
    > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
    >
    > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
    >
    > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
    >
    > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    >
    > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
    >
    > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
    > called.
    >
    > 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
    >
    > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the
    > antidepressants were.
    >
    > 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
    >
    > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
    >
    > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    >
    > 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
    > fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    > 15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
    >
    >
    > And last, but not least:
    >
    > 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
    >
    > One of the clerks passed out.

  13. #3958

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    2 rats return to their home in the ceiling after a hard day of pestilance, terrorising and general rattiness.

    Being a competitive bunch of male rats the conversation quickly turned to what they did for the dayand why they were so tough.

    The first rats says, ' I am so tough, I was out in the kitchen today looking for some food to crap on when I stumble across these blue pellets under the fridge. Now being a worldly rat I know this is the dreaded ratsac so being the tough bastard I am, I scoffed the lot. Bit of a guts ache for a bit but that was it- no worries.'

    Second Rat says- ' thats nothin mate, I was in one of the bedrooms pissing on the carpet when I smell this cheese. I wander over and find it sitting on a huge rat trap- big as a dingo trap it was. So I marched right up to it, snatched the cheese and as that jaw came down I braced and it snapped over my back. Tough bastard i am!'

    Just then a third rats wanders in, pays no attention to the other 2 and lays back , little paws behind its head and crossing its back legs started to humm contently.

    Oi you have just walked in here with the 2 toughest rats in the world and have the audacity to start humming! This bloke here just ate ratsac for breaky and I just broke a rat trap over my back. What prey tell have you done with the day that makes you think you can waltz in here?

    The 3rd rat stops humming and looks to the other two and answers-' I just f*&ked the cat'.


  14. #3959

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated



    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Lamp

    I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
    To: Justin Flecker
    Subject: Re: Lamp

    Hello Justin,


    Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.


    Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.


    I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.


    As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.


    Regards, David.


    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

    Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
    To: Justin Flecker
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    Dear Justin,


    In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.


    I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.


    And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.


    I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.


    It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.


    Regards, David.


    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    Did you take our lamp again #######? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
    To: Justin Flecker
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    Dear Justin,


    No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:


    1. It's in the letterbox again.
    2. Look in the letterbox.


    As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:


    What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?


    Regards, David.


    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f**k up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
    To: Justin Flecker
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    Dear Justin,


    What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?


    Regards, David.


    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    No it's not ok.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
    To: Justin Flecker
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    Dear Justin,


    What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.


    Regards, David.


    From: Justin Flecker
    Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

    F**k off back to Austria.

  15. #3960
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

    Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

    He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

    The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...
    What could go wrong.......................

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Join us