Reply With Quoteaw that is just so f$#@ing funny.
Nice work Hoges
Golf clap people.
i love it
Javed miandad = a jar of vegimite for me and dad :-)
Wasim Akram = was he a crim
(from the 12th man cd)
love them all
Bring on the Marlin!!!
aw that is just so f$#@ing funny.
Nice work Hoges
Golf clap people.
A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a fishing rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter. A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark
shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Sharpe graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse! , her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh,
that sounds like a American Express card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the
blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50, please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am: The rod and reel are $20.00, the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50........"
Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been
changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue, then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, just to add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs
4 to say we've seen this post here before.
LOL
Good one hoges
Funny how Construction Workers can teach a little girl.
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those #######s at Home Depot ever deliver the f---ing sheet rock..."
Six Engineers and a train
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
A guy comes staggering out of the desert, into a small market. Crawling up to the first tent, he begs for water.
"So sorry", the stall owner replies, " I only sell sponge cake". Crawling onto the next tent, he asks for water again only to be told "I only sell custard". On his last legs he fronts up to the third tent to be told "Sorry, I only sell jam".
Frustrated, he crawls away. As he tops the dune leading out of the market, he looks back and says to himself "That was a trifle bazaar!"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
Sooo he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a%se and go as a f***ing toffee apple"
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
Marriage - Part I
A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.
2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it.
"Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether you're here or not."
(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for
his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price,
the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie
home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model
it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modelling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday
Gess Hoo
WOW he seems to float upwards to.
Amazing
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"
"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
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