Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

Love Poem of the South

Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so

Pappy told her, Susie gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But Joe is yo' half brother

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brothers

But Mama knew and said my child
Just do what makes yo' happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

[groverwa]

According to CNN news last night Spidermans marriage has broken down.

It's said that he ignored his wife and spent too much time on the web.

[charleville]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'





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[charleville]

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.




.

[finga]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the Pajero, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.....

[Camhawk88]

Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.

[finga]

Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.

What would you put as the title for each joke??
Here's a joke...or.....here's a joke....or.... here's a joke....or....joke for youse.
Every thread would sound just like the forum section is called ie joke of the day.

Easy enough to scroll through them here if you have some time.

[Lucky_Phill]

Wow over 200 pages and 3000 posts- do you think there is a case for having a joke forum in its own right? Bit hard to scroll through this many pages to find a joke you cant remember the punchline to.
What about it Mod? Just a suggestion.

Try amazingjokes.com


lotsa headings there.


LP.
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.
.
.
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[Chimo]

or maybe this should go into the Election Section?

C
C

[Camhawk88]

What would you put as the title for each joke??
Here's a joke...or.....here's a joke....or.... here's a joke....or....joke for youse.
Every thread would sound just like the forum section is called ie joke of the day.

Easy enough to scroll through them here if you have some time.

Im sure someone with a little imagination can come up with a title-
Little Jonny, The Vietnam Vet, a pommie walked into the bar etc.
Really don't think that is much of a problem Finga, in fact there are a couple of other fishing sites that do this and not once have I seen a title 'here's a joke'

Given the number of posts on this thread I don't think it was an unusal suggestion and without having read all of the posts, i am suprised if it hasn't already been suggested. Then again I guess some of us don't have the time to sit at their computer and read 3000 odd posts.

Anyway as I have not read all the posts I will take a punt here and contribute a joke of my own in hope that it hasn't already been posted multiple times.

And for you Finga, I will also give it a title, I will call this joke 'Right on Time'

A guy enters a bar and sees a stunner sitting at the bar sipping a Cosmo.
He pulls up a chair next to her, orders a beer and then starts looking at his watch regularly and now and again having a fiddle with it.
After a couple of minutes, the stunner asks " Are you waiting for someone?"

'No, I have this new state of the art watch and Im just getting used to it'

"Wow a state of the art watch? What does it do that a normal watch can't?" she asks.

Well, he says, it can tell me things telepathicaly such as the time, where the nearest police radar is or even what someone is hidding.

A bit sceptical the stunner asks " well can it tell you what I'm hidding?"
He waits a second then says- 'It tells me you aren't wearing any panties.'

she laughs and blushes a bit and says "Well I can tell you I am wearing panties"

The bloke just shakes his head, taps his watch and says-
'Bloody thing is an hour fast'

[Kero]

The spoon:


A lesson on how consultants can make adifference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.


It seemed a little strange.When the busboy brought our water and utensils,I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.


Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'


'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil.It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.


If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'


As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.


I also noticed that there was a string hangingout of the waiter's fly.


Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you havethat string right there?'


'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.'Not everyone is so observant.That consulting firm I mentioned also learnedthat we can save time in the restroom.


By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,we can pull it out without touching it and eliminatethe need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'


I asked quietly,'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'


'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others,but I use the spoon.'

[finga]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.


When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you limpwrists aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[Camhawk88]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?"
her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money
to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and
says,
"For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the
tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies,
"I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go buy yourself
some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also
takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under
it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[sparkyice]

two hillbilllies walking down a hot dusty road meet up.
"why, how do, neighbor" the big one says.
"howdy do yoself, jimbob" say ta other one.
they walk along towards town, talking bout pigs and moonshine and such, and billy joe pulls up short, looks at jimbob, wrinkles up his nose and asks" jimbob, you just sh!t yoself?"
"what? he!! no! whas wrong wit you fer askin a question like that?

they continued on a bit, and billy joe just can't stand it. he asks again "whats that strench, man? you sure you didn't just sh!t yoself ?"
again, jimbob denies the accusation.

this repeats several times over the next few miles.
billyjoe just can't take it any more.
he insists jimbob drop his drawers and turn around for inspection.

billy bob complies, as jimbob is a much larger man.

GOOD LAWD JIMBOB, YOU'RE JUST COVERED IN IT!! WHAT'S WRONG WIT YOU? I AXED YOU A DOZEN TIMES IF YOU JUST SH! YOSELF, AND EACH TIME YOU SAYS NO!!!
"well", billybob meekly says, "when you axed if i just sh!t myself, i thought you meant TODAY !"

[groverwa]

Golf Story

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three years old. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I don't remember."