i bought some used paint.
it was shaped like a house.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Finga now a senior citizen, goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the Doc enters the examination room he says
" I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample"
Being hard of hearing Finga asks his wife what was said.
The wife yells back to him
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR'
whats the difference between australia and mcdonalds???
NOTHING THEY ARE BOTH RUN BY RED HEADED CLOWNS!!!
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.. “Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
Stacer 525 easyrider - 115 DI. Bayside Brissy
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered, around her trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bedside she again held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you pass on to a better place."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said "Don't sell that cow!"
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Speaking of which ...
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi ....
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk ..... you stupid Australian."
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi : (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar!!! ....
Paddy walks into the vet carrying his goldfish in a fish bowl.
He tells the vet that the fish has epilepsy.
The vet looks in the bowl at the fish and says "it looks calm enough".
Paddy says " I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them
His wise father replied, "Because they taste horrible if you don't get the crap out of them"
Two mad keen Mud Island fisherman go out on a sub-freezing winter's night competing in the R2M.
They anchor up in a favourite spot, bait their hooks and throw the lines in.
They wait. An hour passes. Nothing. Two hours pass. Still, not even a nibble.
The two men, nearly frozen stiff and very disappointed, are about to leave.
Then a small boy anchors just a few metres away from them.
The two men watch as he tossed in the line. They shake their heads.
But, almost immediately, the boy pulls out a fish.
"Fluke!", says one man to the other.
After a few minutes, the boy has another fish. Then another. Then another. And so on.
The two men's disappointment turns to jealousy and bewilderment.
They motor over the the boy, still reeling in fish at an amazing rate.
"Hey kid," says one man. "We've been freezing out bums off for two hours without a nibble. How come you're getting all those fish ?"
The boy mumbles something in reply.
"Speak up kid, I can't hear you".
The boy covers his mouth with his hand then, after a few seconds, turns to face the men.
The boy says "You gotta keep the mullet gut warm".
.
An Irishman went to the Registry office, and said he wanted to change his name. They asked him what his name was.
He said "Michael Ramsbottom"
When they asked him what he wanted it changed to, he said "Eric"
.
Medical Records
1.
The skin was moist and dry.
2.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
3.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
4.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
5.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
6.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
7.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
8.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
9.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
10.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
11.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
12.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
13.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)
14.
She is numb from her toes down.
15.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)
16.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)
18.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
20.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
21.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
22.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
23.
We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.
24.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
25.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
26.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
27.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
28.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
29.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
30.
Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
31.
The patient refused an autopsy.
32.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
33.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
34.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
35.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
36.
The patient had a rash over his truck.
_________________
Cheers
Last edited by Jarrah Jack; 29-07-2010 at 10:07 AM. Reason: Too confusing
Jarrah Jack got his son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got his daughter an iPod for hers, and he was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought him an iPad for father’s day.
He got his wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
another name crossed off the hit list
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
a brand new iRon...
it took me a few minutes, but i've been chuckling about it all morning!
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Friends Paris and Clare are sitting down at a classy cafe in South Yarra waiting to order a coffee.
Clare asks Paris 'So i'm curious. Why did your parents call you Paris?'
Paris 'Well my parents met travelling along the French Riviera. They caught each others eyes on the ferry and it was love at first sight, it was so romantic. On that very same night they went back to the hotel my father was staying at and that's where I was conceived.'
Clare's eyes go wide at this revelation 'Wow Paris that's incredible! You will never believe this but my father was a travelling musician in Ireland and he met my mother at a hostel in County Clare! It was also love at first sight. I was conceived there and named accordingly. They've been in love ever since!'
Paris is amazed at this bizarre co-incidence she is about to open her mouth to speak when the waiter approaches the table and interrupts them
'Hello Ladies! My names 'Dumpster behind Hooters' and I'll be your waiter for this evening'
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
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