Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goat."

[Jarrah Jack]

My neighbour found that her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear. She took it to the Vet.

The vet found that it was to do with the ears. The vet cleaned the ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet said that if you want to stop the problem then go to the chemist and buy some nair hair remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and brought the nair. The pharmacist said if you are going to use it under the arms then don't use deodorant for a few days.

The lady said " I'm not using it under my arms"

Then he said if you are using it on you legs don't shave for a few days.

She replied " I'm not using it on my legs but if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer"

The pharmacist replied " Then stay off your bicycle for a week"

[groverwa]

Mines downsizing due to new Super tax

[groverwa]

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin, Australia.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After become very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out an catch my own crocodiles, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
So the blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home and pull over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge three-meter (nine feet!) croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the croc and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more dead cros, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. As he watched, the blonde struggled and flipped the most recently demised croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! This bastard's barefoot, too!"

[Chimo]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative ; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was .... God, I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the Lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a Lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[cormorant]

The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said,"Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a
football match, but go deep into their hearts, and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?

Show me."

So the Pope backhanded the self-important, pompous little bastard.

[darrend65]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]

[mowerman]

When Rudd said he would stop the boats, he didn’t say he meant bulk-ore carriers.


.

[wags on the water]

Federal Court Ruling from Australia:
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[groverwa]

Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork,beef and sea kittens

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now.......

[groverwa]

Wedding Telegram Text Jokes

if you think you may be offended,

please do not read.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal -

- a little bit of breast

- a little bit of leg

.... and a lot of stuffing!

Treat the bride like a new car,

go easy for the first 500!

Forecast for wedding...

Expected development of warm front, with extreme

turbulence and moisture in lower regions.

Good possibility of six inches overnight.

Sun(son) is expected later on!

Love is a thousand miles long but

comes in six inch instalments!

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears,

roll her over gently and she'll last for many years!

If you don't want the stork to come,

shoot in the air!

Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride

through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route!

Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days,

or you will get a weak-end!

Take heed from those who know

Tie you nightie to your toes

Close your eyes - hold your nose

Then see how it goes!

Don't keep him in the dog house too often

or he might give his bone to the woman next door!

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk!

We are curious to know why you both wanted to

borrow the black leather boots and bull whip?

Please remember that brandy makes you randy,

Whisky makes you frisky, but its a good stiff

Johnny Walker that makes you pregnant!

Don't spring on the inner-spring this Spring or

there will be an off-spring next Spring!

Sorry I cannot be at wedding... Please send me

a photo of Bride and Groom mounted!

These next two are for rugby fans.

Congratulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great!

Hope all your tries are not converted!

Confucious say man who sink into woman's arms

soon have arms in woman's sink!

Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers)

they stand behind everything they sell!

Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come!

A honeymoon should be like a table...

Four bare legs and no drawers!

I was engaged myself once.

To a contortionist.

But she broke it off!

Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can!

And the story of the man who called his son

Vendetta, because he always had it in for him!

The trouble with being the best man at

a wedding is that you never get to prove it!

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father

and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"

His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...

Firstly, The Marriage Game,

Followed by, Great Temptation,

The Untouchables,

Mission Impossible,

The Time is Right,

Rawhide and Bonanza!

They were married on the cricket field,

that night they were quite wicket,

the bride said with a happy smile,

I'm sure this can't be cricket!

[groverwa]

The Three bears


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ******* PORRIDGE YET!!!'

[mowerman]

This is ourGovernment in action…

The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service werepresenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingopopulation.

It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried andtrue methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labor Government(Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and theGreens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was forthe animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and letloose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW Sheep farmers Associationand Farming Association by the Federal Government and the NSW Forestry Service.

All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for acouple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conferenceroom stood up, tipped his hat back and said, ‘Mr Garrett, son, I don't thinkyou understand our problem. Those dingo’s ain't f,ing our sheep - they'reeatin' 'em.'


You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as MrPeter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service , the Greens and theother "tree huggers" left the meeting very"sheepishly".

.

[groverwa]

With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Tony Abbott Statue.

[Cheech]

With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Tony Abbott Statue.

I have seen this one before, but it was a Rudd statue. Here is another that has been doing the rounds.