Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #3091

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Paddy goes into a library, approached the assistant and asks her where he can find a book all about "Psycho The Rapist"

    a bewildered assistant checks the computer system and searches for the book and gets 1 hit

    so she goes back to Paddy and says "its called psychotherapist you idiot"



    .

  2. #3092

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

    Nothing happens.

    He tries again.

    Still nothing.

    He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.

    Nothing happens.

    He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

    Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

    The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

  3. #3093

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
    is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

    Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is 55c.

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.


    The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
    gone to hell, so it's a local call.
    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


  4. #3094

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A 3rd grade teacher collected some well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to complete it. Their insight may surprise you…..

    Better to be safe than ………….. Punch a 5th grader
    Strike while the …………………. Bug is close
    It’s always darkest before ……………. Daylight savings time
    Never underestimate the power of ……………. Termites
    You can lead a horse to water but ……………. How?
    Don’t bite the hand that ………………….. Looks dirty
    No news is ………………… impossible.
    A miss is as good as a …………………………… Mr.
    You can’t teach an old dog new ………………. Maths.
    If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …………………….. Stink in the morning.
    Love all, trust …………………… me
    The pen is mightier than ………………………. Pigs
    An idle mind is ……………………… the best way to relax.
    Where there is smoke there is ……………………. Pollution
    Happy the bride who ………………………………. Gets all the presents.
    A penny saved is ……………………….. not much.
    Two’s company but three’s …………………………. The musketeers
    Don’t put off till tomorrow what …………….. you put on to go to bed.
    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and …………………… you have to blow your nose.
    None are so blind as ……………………………. Helen Keller.
    Children should be seen and not ………………….. spanked or grounded.
    If at first you don’t succeed …………………….. get new batteries.
    You get out of something ……………………… what you see pictured on the box.
    When the blind leadeth the blind …………………………….. get out of the way

  5. #3095

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Man
    1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahhh, it’s cute.
    3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
    4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    5. Make it dance.
    6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
    7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
    9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    10. Oh no…… a flash headache
    11. (giggle and point)
    12. Can I be honest with you?
    13. How sweet, you bought incense.
    14. This explains your car.
    15. Maybe if we water it, it will grow.
    16. Why is God punishing me?
    17. At least this won’t take long.
    18. I never saw one like that before.
    19. But it still works, right?
    20. It looks so unused.
    21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    22. Why don’t we skip straight to the cigarettes?
    23. Are you cold?
    24. If you get me real drunk first.
    25. Is that an optical illusion?
    26. What is that?
    27. It is a good thing you have so many other talents.
    28. Does it come with an air pump?
    29. So this is why you are supposed to judge people on personality.
    30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

  6. #3096

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A Northern Territory man is drinking in a Brisbane pub when he gets a call on his phone...He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 lbs, but the Northern Territory man just shrugs,

    "That's about average in The Territory, fella's...like I said - my boy's a typical Territory baby boy."

    Two weeks later, the Territory man returns to the pub. The Publican asks,

    "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 lbs at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks...so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

    The Publican is puzzled, and concerned.. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the Publican and proudly says,

    Had him circumcised".
    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


  7. #3097

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

    She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

    The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

    She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

    I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

    She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

    As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

    At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

    the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

    "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

    "The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."


    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


  8. #3098

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two old guys talking.

    One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".


    Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"


    First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


  9. #3099

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    MANURE:




    In the 16th and 17th centuries, many things were transported by ship.

    This was before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were common.


    It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed less than when wet.

    BUT, once sea water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier but the process of fermentation began, of which METHANE GAS is a by-product.

    As the manure was normally stored in large bundles below decks, you can see what could (and did) happen.

    Methane began to build up below decks and if someone happened to come below with a night lantern, BOOOM!

    Several ships were destroyed in this manner before they realized just what was happening.

    From then on, the bundles of manure were stamped:

    "SHIP HIGH IN TRANSIT”


    This meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch the potentially volatile cargo and trigger the production of methane.

    Thus evolved the term S.H.I.T. or Ship High In Transit which has come down through the centuries and is commonly used to this very day.

    You probably did not know the true history of this everyday word. Neither did I...

    I had always thought it was a term for knot failure.
    Last edited by PNG1M; 31-05-2010 at 02:54 PM. Reason: Cactus I.T. skills

  10. #3100

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Bloke walks into a restaurant with his dog and they both sit at a table.

    The manager comes out to protest about the dog being in the restaurant.

    Manager: I'm sorry sir, but dogs are not allowed in the restaurant. You have to take him outside.

    Bloke: But this dog is very special. He can talk, so he should be allowed to stay inside.

    Manager: Oh, how ridiculous...there's no such thing as a talking dog.

    Bloke: Well, see for yourself. Why don't you ask him a few questions?

    Manager: Ooh, all right then... Now, what's the opposite of smooth?

    Dog: RUFF

    Manager: What's on the top of a house?

    Dog: ROOF

    Manager: What's on the outside of a tree?

    Dog: BARK

    Manager (a bit surprised and flustered): LOOK, I don't care! The answer is NO. You gotta take your dog outside...NOW!

    The bloke and his dog stood up to leave and as they were approaching the door, the dog turned around and said,

    "Did I get them all right?"

  11. #3101

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

    Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as The whaling ship that killed his father.

    Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

    When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million Pieces? That will be sweet revenge."


    And the female agreed to this.So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew Enormous amounts of air under the ship.

    The ship flew into the air and Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

    The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

    The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the Sailors.

    That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,


    (wait for it)


    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    "Oh No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

  12. #3102

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    NEWS FLASH:

    Brisbane Police reported finding a man's body floating in the Brisbane River, near the Story Bridge. The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

    The victim apparently drowned due to excess alcohol consumption, combined with a drug overdose. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a “Rudd for PM in 2010” t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.











    Police removed the Rudd t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

  13. #3103

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into KMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance
    [The KMart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"


    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........
    Are you blind or just stupid?
    Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"




  14. #3104

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two Aussies, Davo & Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat.
    While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
    This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
    Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "turn the entire ocean into BEER - Make that Victoria Bitter!"
    The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into 'the hard earned thirst' quencher.
    The Geanie vanished.
    Only the gentle lapping of the beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
    After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo - now we're going to have to p!$$ in the Boat".
    Sammy xx

  15. #3105

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven Sir
    Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven
    Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
    Johnny: Six.
    Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, How many will you have?
    Johnny: Seven!!!
    Very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?
    Very angry Johnny: Because I already have one at home!!!
    I intend on living for-ever....so far so good


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