Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[greenie61]

CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".
"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Dryas A Bone raincoats, some RM Williams boots, Some Roll Your Own Tobacco and an Akubra Hat. Oh, and a blue heeler cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
"Right" said Julia.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two schooners of your best beer".
"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two schooners of our best coming up".
Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.


Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"


"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two ****holes"..

[greenie61]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?" "You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him."Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man."No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man.. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all of our facilities." "Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 58 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

[groverwa]

For those of us that enjoy a cartoon without getting too serious about gender should have a look at

http://www.bassboatreview.com/bass-b...ney-girlfriend


Some of the comments are good also

[sparkyice]

you blokes down under need worry only about a shark or an occasional crock stealing your catch.
i guess i'd let them have it.

[finga]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[tednted]

Explaining A nudist Beach To Your Son


Explaining A Nude Beach to your son

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[groverwa]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f##k or drown.:lipsrsealed: :rolleyes:

[Chimo]

PRIORITIES

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.





The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.’

[snasman]

Important Health Bulletin
Information has just been made public that is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."
Many victims contracted it in 2007…but now most people, after having been infected for the past 2-3 years, are realizing how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out!
You take the first dose/step in 2010 , and don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out life as we know it.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

[Xahn1960]

MORAL DILEMMA

This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's
a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland , Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into
the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is..

It's Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.






You have two options:

1. You can save his life; or



2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting
the death of one of the country's most powerful men!









THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white ?

[groverwa]

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I t'ink its time!"

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great!"

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and he said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too...."

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had youself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their t'ree children home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got t'ree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of K-Vy Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good t'ing I didn't get the WD-40!

[finga]

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand radios back to the farm manager.



'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ..303Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

'................................................. ......... You there Boss?

[groverwa]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said;




"What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Member101]

Carl Williams requested that the Jailhouse gym acquire a rowing machine. He told the warden that the bike was going to do his head in.

[Chimo]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford :

" The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of you realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said,


"Wedding Cake."