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  1. #286

    Re: Joke of the Day

    WARNING

    A scam is being pulled, mainly on older men.

    What happens is that when you stop for a red light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

    They are very good at this: They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.

    I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

  2. #287

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Thought for today...

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

  3. #288

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses

    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

    They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

    This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

    Not a single government program was there to help me.

    How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

    While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

    And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

    If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

    Regards,
    Saddam Hussein

  4. #289

    Re: Joke of the Day

    What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

    Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

  5. #290

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A friend of a friend was asked by her gran to look after her budgie so the old dear could keep her usual Wednesday-afternoon appointment with the hairdresser.

    The young woman decided to bird-sit with her new boyfriend, and as they waved the elderly lady off, he came up with the idea to give the bird a treat, reasoning that it must have been ages since it had been allowed to fly around.

    After checking that no doors or windows were open and that the cat was out of the room, he opened the cage door and encouraged the bird to stretch its wings. The timid thing took some enticing, so long ago had it last tasted freedom, but then it gathered itself, sidled over to the door, and burst upwards, flying and flapping around in a small feathery frenzy.

    Alas, its over-enthusiasm, combined with a novice's grasp of aerobatics, proved costly. For in a crazed bid for even greater liberty, it flew head-long at the large double-glazed patio doors, smashed into the glass and tumbled to the floor.

    Luckily, it was still alive, though its leg was quite clearly broken. What would Granny say! The young couple resolved to apply first-aid and come clean with her. Ingeniously, the bloke produced a box of matches from his pocket and, taking a reel of cotton, delicately bound one stick around the distraught budgie's damaged leg as a splint. Then he gently lowered the bird back inside its cage.

    Tragically, the boyfriend had not known about the sandpaper floor of the cage, and as the poor budgerigar shuffled over to nibble its dried cuttlefish, the match struck, and the poor thing was engulfed in flames.

  6. #291

    Re: Joke of the Day

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
    evening with a beautiful and very young woman at his side;
    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
    girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him -
    The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
    "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
    excitement.......
    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque -
    "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man; "There's no money in that account sir?."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

  7. #292

    Re: Joke of the Day

    >This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US
    Naval
    > >ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October 1995.

    > > CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to
    avoid collision.
    > > AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
    North,
    to avoid a collision.

    > > CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
    degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    > > AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
    divert YOUR course.

    > > CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your
    course.

    > > AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND
    LARGEST
    > >SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
    > &gtESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
    THAT
    YOU
    > >CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES
    NORTH,
    OR
    > >COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    > > CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

    Make something Idiot proof and they make better Idiots

  8. #293

    TASMANIAN VASECTOMY

    After having their 11th child, a Tassie couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian & told him that he & his wife/cousin, didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a huge firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear & count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a huge firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me" said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker, put it in a beer can, held the can up to his ear, & began to count:

    "1"

    "2"

    "3"

    "4"

    "5"

    .....at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, & resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Ireland, & New Zealand.
    May the winds blow lightly upon your sails
    May the seas buffet gently upon your hull
    May your chiller be full of piscatorial delights

  9. #294

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A boy is colouring in a picture at school with a red crayon.He asked his teacher for a purple crayon and she says how dare you I never want to see your face here again go to the princable.So he gets to the office and the lady says why are you here and he says because I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and she says how dare you I never want to see your face here again Your expelled.He gets home and his parents say your home early why and he says I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and his parents say how dare you I never want to see you face here again and gets sent to a boys home.At the boys home the guard says why are you here and he says I asked my teacher for a purple crayon and he says how dare im sending you to prison.10 years pass and he gets out of prison and crosses the street and gets hit by a bus what is the moral to this story ???

    Look both ways before crossing the street
    -Dano



  10. #295

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Wullie fae Aberdeenshire walks into his house with a sheep tucked under
    his arm.

    He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his 16 stone wife,
    Morag, is in bed, reading the 'Peoples Friend'.

    "This," says Wullie, " is the pig I've been shaggin' when you're nae
    aboot."

    "Wullie," the wife says, "That's nae a pig. That's a sheep."

    "Haud yer tounge woman," says Wullie. "I wisnae talking to you."

  11. #296

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "
    I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
    The vet patted the dog and took it out then returned a few moments later with a beautiful tabby cat.
    The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from
    its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$300!" she cried.
    "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. Ifyou'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."



  12. #297

    Re: Joke of the Day

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

    Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

    Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

    Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

    Dog: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

    Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool"

    Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

    Horse: "Yep"

    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

    Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Kiwi: "The sheep's a F#*@ing liar!!!!!!!"

  13. #298

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Kiwi walks into his local Centrelink office, marches straight up to
    The counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job."
    The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.
    We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
    chauffeur come bodyguard for his 18 year old nymphomaniac daughter.
    You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
    your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
    You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting Salary is $200,000 a year".The guy says, "You're bullshitting me,bro !"
    The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

    8)

  14. #299

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A guy walks into a bar with a tarmac under his arm and says to the barman a beer thanks mate and one for the road

  15. #300
    NQCairns
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    DR. DAVE.....

    >

    &gtoctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

    >long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

    >guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while

    >he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't

    >worry about it.

    >

    >You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their

    >patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..

    >

    >

    >

    >" But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

    >whispering:......

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    &gtave.............

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >..............you're a vet".




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