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  1. #271

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

    If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
    woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

    If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

    NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!


    THEY WANT TO!!

  2. #272

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a
    deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The
    gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll
    remove
    my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd
    agrees.

    The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.
    Gator
    closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs
    the
    gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes
    his
    genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll
    pay
    anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

    After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde
    woman.
    "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me
    on
    the head with the beer bottle."

  3. #273

    Re: Joke of the Day





    Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt."
    Now you can intellectually handle the situation.








    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.






    Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.


    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.






    Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and
    because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.
    She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.







    So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

  4. #274

    Re: Joke of the Day


  5. #275

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: BILL GATES HIGH SCHOOL ADDRESS





    Bill Gates High School Address:
    Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
    did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
    politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
    concept of reality and how this
    concept set them up for failure in the real world.



    Rule 1: Life is not fair . . . get used to it!


    Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
    expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

    Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
    won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.


    Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

    Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
    had a different word for burger flipping . . . they called it
    opportunity.


    Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
    about your mistakes, learn from them.


    Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
    are now.
    They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
    listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
    you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's
    generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.



    Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
    life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
    they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This
    doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.


    Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
    and very
    few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on
    your own
    time.

    Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
    to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.



    Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



    If you agree, pass it on.
    If you can read this, Thank a teacher!
    If you are reading it in English, Thank a soldier!

  6. #276

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: Elizabeth High School - Year 12 Math's exam


    You might have to live in Adelaide to get this but it's funny anyway....



    ELIZABETH HIGH SCHOOL - MATHEMATICS EXAM

    NAME .................................................. ..................
    GANG .

    Time allowed: 1 hour

    1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX two inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Auscar slotted wheels, how many inches has he lost from the stock suspension?

    2 If Pep is coordinating fundraising efforts for the family trip to Italy, how many plants is each member of the family permitted to grow for their private consumption?


    3. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors would he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?



    4. If Mustaffa runs 15 km from the Police travelling from Munno Para to Paralowie then steals a car and drives another 8 km to Salisbury North, how many kilometres has he traveled if he ends up hiding out back of Ingle Farm Shopping Centre?



    5. If Giuseppe burns his back with hot wax whilst removing excess hair, which relative is required to admit responsibility for the Motor Vehicle Accident that caused the fire leading to the injury?



    6. Phan has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Dak Hoang for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?



    7. If Darren receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $600.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from Smithfield Wreckers?



    8. If Soula needs 25ml of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 20 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 45?



    9. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 4 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?



    10. If Abdo runs a Kebab shop in Tea Tree Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?



    11. If Marika strains a muscle in her neck whilst making souvlaki at Soula’s family birthday party, how long does she have to submit a WorkCover claim at Holden’s?



    12. Abdo runs a Kebab shop in Tea Tree Plaza and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?



    13. If Elizabeth's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, what is the maximum rate Rental Assistance is paid by Family Assistance Office?



    14. Quang is pimping three girls. If the price is $45.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $300 per day crack habit?



    15. If there are 3 active Elizabeth Police Patrols, one driving a Commodore SS, one driving a Falcon XR6 and one on a Motorbike, what are the chances of Police attending a Break-in in Progress call within 24 Hours? (Hint; remember to include time taken to put speed gun away in calculations)



    16. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Salisbury East to Mansfield Park, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 11 people in his Valiant at any one given time?



    17. If Mario's dad has the top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

    a) 1 metre away .....................................%
    b 3 metres away .%
    c) in a standard police line-up ..................%



    Bonus Logic Question



    18. Michelle has 6 Children. She is 6 months pregnant to Seb who lives with his Father in Salisbury Downs. Michelle has 4 Girls and 2 boys. None of the children’s fathers are paying Child Support. Two of the girls have blonded hair, One girl has red hair and the youngest is still brunette; One of the boys has a tight black afro and One boy has a multi-colored mullet. Both boy’s fathers and the redheaded girl’s father are doing time in Yatala. The eldest child was born in 1999, her father is a Gypsy Joker, and the youngest born in March 2004, his father being a Hells Angel. Michelle does not advise Family Assistance office that her lover Ng is currently living with her and Ng’s eleven family members are each paying her $35 rent to reside in the garden shed. Michelle’s natural father was born in custody to a third generation Australian of Croatian origin, his name listed as Johnny B. Michelle’s Grandmother shared a cell with a woman who emigrating from Ireland in 1942 and was able to provide sufficient evidence to Social Security that she had Aboriginal ancestry?



    What would be the total value of welfare payments Michelle is entitled to receive per fortnight when the twins are born?


  7. #277

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

    The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

    The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

  8. #278

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
    attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his
    watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
    testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
    it?

    He explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well", explains the pilot, "it
    says you're not wearing any panties...."

    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing
    panties!"

    The pilot taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."


    -------------------------------
    Veni, Vidi, Fishi
    I came, I saw, I Fished

  9. #279

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a
    Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of
    £500,000.

    "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to
    get
    the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend.

    Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"




    "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"




    "OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build
    its
    own nest?

    (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

    "I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline
    and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

    Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
    question to him.

    "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

    "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.







    "I'm fookin sure."

    Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da
    Cuckoo as my answer."

    "Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

    "Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

    There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo
    is
    the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
    drink.

    "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo
    that
    doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

    "Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo
    lives
    in a clock!"


  10. #280

    Re: Joke of the Day

    (Q) What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad parachutist?

    (A) A bad golfer goes "THWACK......OH DAM!"

    A bad Parachutist goes "OH DAM!......THWACK"

  11. #281

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

    She says,"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says, As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way
    the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by
    this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."


    All times wasted thats not spent fishing

  12. #282

    Re: Joke of the Day

    SOUL QUIRKS





    The Sedentary Prayer



    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know when the best I can do is to stay up watching X-Files reruns with a bucket of KFC,a slab of beer, a pint of Haagen Dazs and a carton of Marlboros.

  13. #283

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President George W Bush at 07:30 (EST) today:


    NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

    2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

    3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

    5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

    Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

    7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

    12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.


  14. #284

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A heartwarming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world . . .
    Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

    Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

    "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

  15. #285

    Re: Joke of the Day

    About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles there were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

    Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

    The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

    Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate, and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message: "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

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