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  1. #256

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Irish Declare War on the French!

    Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Kirby down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy O'Kirby," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. Since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

  2. #257

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
    "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

    "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

    The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

    "What was that for?" he complained.

    "Your dog called last night."

  3. #258

    Re: Joke of the Day

  4. #259

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Thi8s is the real reason I'm single now!!

    Daryl's Badnight..
    Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week Fishing and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golfing team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual
    and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your
    usual table dance, big boy?" Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
    club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez
    Daryl, you picked up a real bitch this time."

  5. #260

    Re: Joke of the Day

    This just about covers everyone.

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
    The position of the dirt bag

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do attorneys use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    45 lbs

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
    and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    Because they have cotton balls.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Mace will do that to you.

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    He walks around saying "Yo."

    Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland schools use the car
    only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A different bar.

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
    They named him "Sum Ting Wong

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
    They're hiring.

    What's the difference between a Tasmanian zoo and a NSW zoo?
    A Tasmanian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
    cage along with... "a recipe".

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
    A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
    fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

    Did I miss anyone ???

  6. #261

    Re: Joke of the Day

    How do I get a grant to do something like this:

    LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

    In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.

    The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

    And here it is...

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    Wiseman said the joke worked across many different countries and appealed to men and women and young and old alike.

    "Many of the jokes submitted received higher ratings from certain groups of people, but this one had real universal appeal," he said.

    As well as identifying the joke which appealed most to people around the world, the experiment revealed wide humour differences between nations.

    People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".

    One intriguing result was that Germans -- not renowned for their sense of humour -- found just about everything funny and did not express a strong preference for any type of joke. (Full story)

    People from the Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving word plays.

    Many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, displayed a penchant for off-beat surreal humour, while Americans and Canadians preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority -- either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.

    Europeans also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that make people feel anxious, such as death, illness and marriage.

    Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

    "Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people's culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

    "Also, we find jokes funny for lots of different reasons. They sometimes make us feel superior to others, reduce the emotional impact of anxiety-provoking situations or surprise us because of some kind of incongruity.

    "The hunters joke contained all three elements."

    Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

    Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

  7. #262

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

    It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

    He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."

    "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,

    He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

    "But what about the smell?" She asks,

    "Just hold its nose." He replies,

    The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

  8. #263

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Subject: Who says men don't remember anniversaries

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
    are you down here at this time of night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
    "Yes I do! " she replies.

    The husband paused.
    #The words were not coming easily.
    "Do you remember when
    your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

    "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

  9. #264

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

    The couple agreed and after two and a half weeks returned to the church. When the pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

    You are back so soon.... Is there a problem?" the reverend inquired.

    "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month....." the young man replied sadly.

    The reverend asked him was happened.

    "Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."

    "The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

    "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off our current thoughts.
    One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome and just couldn't contain myself, admitted the man, shamefacedly.

    "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the reverend.

    "We know" said the young man, hanging his head.

    "We're not welcome at Bunnings either!"

  10. #265

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

    Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

    LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
    POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
    LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
    POLE: "It made of concrete."
    LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
    POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
    LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
    POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
    LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
    POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
    LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
    POLE: "No, I always up before her."
    LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
    POLE: "No, she white."
    LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
    POLE: "She going to kill me."
    LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
    POLE: "I got proof.
    LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
    POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

  11. #266

    Re: Joke of the Day

    For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

    So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f ** king bike!"

  12. #267

    Re: Joke of the Day

    There is a new virus out. The code name is "WORK."

    If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-- do not touch WORK under any circumstances.

    This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

    Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

    Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

    I think I have five friends but am not entirely I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

  13. #268

    Re: Joke of the Day

    "Here's the newest technology on the market. Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device. The acronym for this new technology is Simply "BOOK".

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
    Electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use that even a child can operate it.

    Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an Armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

    Here's how it works:

    BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
    (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These sheets of paper (called pages) are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence... Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into the brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet...

    BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

    An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open "BOOK" to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

    Portable, durable and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor Of a new entertainment wave. Book’s appeal seems so certain that thousand of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Some envision a time when BOOK stores will be a common sight, where Americans will gather to read BOOK and drink coffee. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

  14. #269

    Re: Joke of the Day

  15. #270

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Truth is stranger than fiction.

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