Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Donny Boy]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

The couple sat and waited, and waited.

Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

'What if it doesn't work' they wondered, 'are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

'Jesus H. Christ!' yells St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St.. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[Donny Boy]

Maggie Murphy was sitting in the front row of the Balcony seats in the Chapel, when she overbalanced and fell.....................

And she was hurtling down towards the congregation, when the lace on her knickers got caught on a screw sticking out of the Chandeleir......and there she stayed............ swinging up and down above the congregation during Prayer.

The Priest thunders
" If any man turns to look at that poor unfortunate woman, may the Lord strike him Blind !!!! "

And with that, O'Rielly turns to Casey and says......................

" Oi tink I'll risk One eye !!!! "

[groverwa]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
"I 'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...



Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it
would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:"You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
.................................................. .................................................. ....................


An older gentleman was on the operating table
Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best
And just remember, if it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother is going to come and
Live with you and your wife...."

[Chimo]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND




Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's reallya pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[bdowdy]

broncos...lol

[Chimo]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
>
>
> One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the
> Front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
> I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
>
> On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
> ladies lying naked on the lawn.
> This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
> Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying
> naked on your Front lawn?'
> 'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, - they're having a garage sale.'

[weasel]

A trucker who haas been on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel in Kalgoolie.He walks straight up to the Madam drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest women and a burnt chop! The Madam is astonished. But sir, for that kind of money you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal.The truckie replies ,listen sweetheart, Im not horny.......Im homesick!

Dave

[Chimo]

The definitive explanation of ...







MARKETING










This will clear up any confusion ...




You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.



One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome man at a party.



You go up to himand get his telephone number.



The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Telemarketing.


You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.



You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm...



And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."



That's Public Relations.








You're at a party and see a handsome man.



He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."



That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome man.



He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.



That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.



That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.



So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"



That's Junk Mail.




I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now

[Chimo]

"The Old Fisherman"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, old retired fisherman in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --

chair, whip and a gun.Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge
her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her
beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then
turns to the retired fisherman and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old fisherman replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

[sparkyice]

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.



The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.



I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.



I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.



Still eating their lunch, the workers gathered around the grave. I played with all my heart and soul.



As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.



As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another," Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[harry_h01]

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

[Mrs Ronnie H]

Hi
thought someone might get a laugh



Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" he would tell me to take a few
days off.


So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss
might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in
the world are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,"..
And where do you think you're going....


She said, "I'm going home, too. You can't possibly expect me to work in
the dark!




Ronnie

[Chimo]

THE COWBOY

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...

Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'

[Chimo]

A heartwarming story.


A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my granddad!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big t*ts.'

[Chimo]

The Stimulus Package


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Yarralumla



One is from Canberra, another is from Melbourne, and the third is from Sydney.



All three go with a government official to examine the fence.



The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil."Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 formaterials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Sydney contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."



The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!



How did you come up with such a high figure?"



The Sydney contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Melbourne to fix the fence."



"Done!" replies the government official.



And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.