Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[bungie]

[Donny Boy]

God Chimo..................where do you get 'em all son...............you're a Legend !

[Chong]

Joke of the past month..................

This Bloody WIND

[Chimo]

Ta Don, You ought to see the ones I cannot post here!

Cheers
Chimo GOM

[BGG]

A jogger is jogging through a cemetery and notices a guy crouched down behind a headstone. As he passes the guy he says “Morning”.
The guy looks up from behind the headstone and says “No, having a crap’.

[Xahn1960]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of a
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Xahn1960]

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old
girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.......smack his butt again!'

[sandman55]

KEEPING IN TOUCH

Dear Wife....I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on the events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would BRB.....whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.

John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one you bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he giggles when he hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.

Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had a good time and said to thank you for letting them use your car. She put the keys back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them. Do you realize that she wears the same size clothes as you do? In case you've forgotten her, she's the one who has you raise your feet when she's running the sweeper.

Tim is playing football. He looks forward to going to school now that he has a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would come to one of his games if we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He's the one who empties your porta potty for you.

Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3 months ago), the refrigerator had to be replaced, your mother and dad painted the room where your computer is (hope you like the color), the church has a new pastor, the President has been impeached, and oh yes..... I have a new job.

Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you again in about 3 months. You take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you very much and will see you the next time the power goes off!

Love, Your Husband

[Chimo]

Why Men (Apparently) Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

[Donny Boy]

Superb - -
it needs to be read slowly and carefully to be appreciated!!!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying posspits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knockedon Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and letoff a fig bart."Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted,he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls anda hig bard on.He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[Donny Boy]

Ta Don, You ought to see the ones I cannot post here!

Cheers
Chimo GOM

Yeah....me too !!

[coucho]

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing
the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then
looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the
tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone
else see my face?'
calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly
Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think
me wife may have caught a glimpse....'

[tailorboi99]

Good jokes guys, keep them coming. Hahaha

Tom

[groverwa]

For a utube audio on the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters go to::-

http://technorati.com/videos/youtube...%3Deip-u1v3bag

Not Ronnie though

Mike

[groverwa]

Hope this does not offend

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!


I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.


I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.
One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.


I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.


Six stick shifts stuck shut.