Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[mowerman]

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.

Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records. (or cassettes)

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.






Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate

[mowerman]

Please read the entire thing for the correct impact..........


You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you seethree people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowingthat there could only be one passenger in your car?Think before you continue reading












This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actuallyused as part of a job application. You could pick upthe old lady, because she is going to die, and thusyou should save her first. Or you could take the oldfriend because he once saved your life, and this wouldbe the perfect chance to pay him back. However, youmay never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) hadno trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and lethim take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behindand wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up ourstubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Thinkoutside of the Box."


HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and puther out of her misery, have sex with the perfectpartner on the hood of the car, then drive off withthe old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

[Outsider1]

A mate sent this one to me last night. I am still wiping the tears of laughter away!

This is an oldie but a goodie...I remember it is particularly funny when the person telling it is pithed !




A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth"


Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth"


"Can I thee her earzth ? "
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth"


"Can I see her mouf'? "
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf"


"Can I see her twat'? "
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground.


The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit ?"

[alphas]

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe????????????????

ROBERTO

[sparkyice]

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full
of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the Newf. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."



"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The Newf looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"



The Newf poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the Newfie.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the Newfie.

[Chimo]

Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[NAGG]

Not really a joke ...... but funny all the same

Nagg

Attachment 29918 Southern Huntin dorgs

[Chimo]

At last now I understand and so too will you after reading this

Cheers
Chimo

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!'

The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

[Scott nthQld]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Workers' Compensation board.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure . . .
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.
I put `poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 225kg.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 61kg.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 23kg.
I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[mowerman]

Ive got a copy of that song.

"Murphy and the bricks"



Rod

[sparkyice]

i know a fellow who did just that!
not with all the drama, not as high, but he ended up with nasty rope burns when his hands hit the pulley.
his idea was to ride the rope up so he wouldn't have to climb the ladder.
he didn't account for the fact that he had hold of the rope some 6.5' off the ground when the load started down.
had he a little more slack he'd been ok.

[reelcrazy]

Subject: Delicate Operation

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

[revs57]

The Old Gas Station

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
And then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set and then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole? We're painting under here"

[Xahn1960]

There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and
asked his friend fo a light.
His friend pulled out a 12inch Bic lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" " Oh, my genie gave it to me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag."
The friend says, "can I see him?" His friend
says "Yes, sure!" So the friend looks in the
bag and out comes the genie. The man says
to the genie; "I am your masters best friend.
would you grant me just one wish?" The genie
says "Yes, just one wish". So the man wishes
for a million bucks. The genie goes back into
the bag without saying a word. Pretty soon,
the sky starts getting dark. Then it gets even darker.
The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying
over. He gets real upset, and says "what is the
matter with your genie? is he hard of hearing? I
said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch Bic?"

[Xahn1960]

LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'