Hey Dave
Nice
Cheers
Chimo GOM
What could go wrong.......................
haha nice oneOriginally Posted by Scott nthQld
Cheers
BreamBuster33
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men?
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
AND MAXINE SAYS.. .......'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word...lol
She thinks ......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ........Nev
The Sheriff in a small town is walking down main street when he sees a blond cowboy coming towards him wearing just his boots and a cowboy hat, so he arrests him.
As he is locking him up, he asks, 'Why on earth are you dressed like that?'
The Cowboy says: 'Well, it happened like this Sheriff.'
'I was in a bar just outside of town when this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her. So I did.'
'We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to take off my shirt. So I did.'
'Then she removes her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.'
'Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to take off my shorts. So I did.'
'She looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...' So I did.'
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun, blonde men do exist!
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against th e tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH & HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!DANGEROUS:SAFER:SAFEST:ULTRA SAFE:WHAT'S FOR DINNER?CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?HERE, HAVESOME WINE.ARE YOUWEARING THAT?WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!WOW!LOOK AT YOU!HERE, HAVESOME WINE.WHAT ARE YOUSO WORKED UP ABOUT?COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.HERE, HAVESOME WINE.SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?HERE, HAVESOME WINE.WHAT DIDYOU DOALL DAY?I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!HERE, HAVESOME MOREWINE.12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:1. PASS MY SHOTGUN2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE4. PUFFY MID-SECTION5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS7. PARDON MY SOBBING8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE9. PASS MY SWEATS10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME11. PACK MY STUFF& MY FAVORITE ONE12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECTPASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!!...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!
& REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!
We've all met one of these...
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of
'broke' do you not understand?'
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your
elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten' s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful
World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about
their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?j
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about Pensioners:
Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What is 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Err...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by
Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ERR...ERR...Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you
try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at
any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.
Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Possibly the best come-back ever!
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's
all brand new.'
Do not shoot the messenger it was actually sent to me a good friend who is Muslim
Ahmed and Hamid
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed is very successful at his chosen career: he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and he always seems to have a lot of money to spend.
Hamid is not such a good beggar: he only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day.
Ahmed says; 'Well for a start let's look at your sign. It says : I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Aussies who see that sign do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign and you will see why I receive so much money every day.'
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads:I only need another $10 to move back to Lebanon!!!
Pension
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for my Social Security last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman
there asked me for my driver's license to verify my identity and age.I looked in my pockets
and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later,' I said.At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton
your shirt.'I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and, with that, she promptly
processed my application.When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience
At the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, 'You should have Dropped your pants, you might
have gotten disability, too.'
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."
-------------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Fishi
I came, I saw, I Fished
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition:
Whenever I sneeze I have an org **sm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
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