Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dezzer]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[snagking]

A blond, a brunette, and a red head were running away from the police when they ran into an old abandoned warehouse. There were three sacks. they each jumped into one just as a cop entered the room. The cop went around and kicked the first bag which said cats. The brunette who was inside said meow and the cop left it alone. He kicked the next bag which said dogs. The red head who was inside said wolf and the cop left that sack alone. The cop then kicked the final bag which said potato. The blond who was inside then said " Potato"

[stevedemon]

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Subject: ?Adam


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God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

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'What's a headache
?

[stevedemon]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel
on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on
the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk..


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of baththe whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and
fan on..


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

[stevedemon]

Theft Problem


You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep
and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these,
and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life
in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long
skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting
scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell
the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX.

This is happening to women everywhere - every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my boobs. I was lying on my
back and they were gone! But when I jumped up, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits. Now I keep them hidden in
my waistband.

[Taipan]

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, 'Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, 'Sister have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs.'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of testes.... I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[stevedemon]

A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop
said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little
girl said, 'he sure did!'



The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket

for a safety
violation.



The cop said, 'Next
year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on

the back of it!'



The young girl looked
up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse

you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'



Playing along with the
girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'

The cop and the little girl

The little girl looked
up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes
underneath the horse, not on top

[SIRO]

Did you hear about the two baked beans that went hitch hiking around Australia ?













They ended up in Cairns.

[Scott nthQld]

The world's smartest man?

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

[Scott nthQld]

Are blind pilots flying?

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[Scott nthQld]

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[Scott nthQld]

Visiting the lawyer

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

[Scott nthQld]

Taxi driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

[Scott nthQld]

How was your game?

How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[Scott nthQld]

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"