Reply With Quote"What the f*** do they want with a Brickie?"
Very good Tim, very good.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments', answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.'
We really watched a tape called 'Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair !
"What the f*** do they want with a Brickie?"
Very good Tim, very good.
Don.
"Magpie Navy." VHF 73.
It was a Woman who drove me to Drink......
....and I never gave her money for the Petrol......
A coupla quick ones
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - and get married
The ceremony was crap,.................... but the Reception was brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really f*****g heavy"
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Guy walks into an Army Surplus store & says " You got any camoflage pants ?"
Bloke says, " Mate, I got thousands.............. but I can't find 'em !"
Don.
It was a Woman who drove me to Drink......
....and I never gave her money for the Petrol......
Jack: "Hear about the dog that liked to eat garlic?"
Bill: "No."
Jack: "Its bark was worse than its bite!"
.
Man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm, says to the bartender,
"schooner of gold for me and one for the road thanks"
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Another man walks into a bar with a plate a sandwiches in his hand and asks for a couple of drinks, bartender says,
"sorry mate we dont serve food in here"
simon
Never take Men shopping against their will...
TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO........... After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired,
Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like
most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following
letter from her local K -Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
lay -b y.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by
using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
That's magnificent..........mate, did this give me some ideas or what !!!!November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the " Mission Impossible" theme.
Don.
It was a Woman who drove me to Drink......
....and I never gave her money for the Petrol......
Hi donny boy the friend that sent this to me the words where as follows
had this sent to me when i read this it reminded me of you when you go shopping with your wife and stir the staff in any store HEHAHEHA
nice to have friend that think so well of you
ye they know me welland the wife no longer takes me shopping
just wish i had more fishing time
Cheers
Steve
Stevedemon....
mate, that's the most hilarious joke I've read in a long time.
I just cant stop laughing.
Great effort bloke.
Scott
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Warning - watch out for 'goodtimes' virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist. It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.
What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.
You are entitled to my opinion!
-----------------------------------------
The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the
talk of the town. After being married a year, The couple went to
the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending
nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old
gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, The couple returned to the hospital for the
birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the
delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She
said, 'Sir, You are something else. How do you manage it?' The old
man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor
running.'
A year later, The couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and
after the delivery, She once again approached the old gentleman,
Smiled, And said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you
do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, 'You
got to keep the old motor running'
The nurse, Still smiling, Patted him on the back and said: Well, I
guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.
-------------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Fishi
I came, I saw, I Fished
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
The attorney
> >> An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
> >> stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at
> >> midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed
> >> and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
> >>
> >> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> >> about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
> >> been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.'
> >>
> >> And on and on and on.
> >>
> >> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
> >> poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
> >> the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
> >> himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
> >> answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been
> >> granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
> >> tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
> >> decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
> >>
> >> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
> >> husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
> >>
> >> "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
> >>
> >> To which he whirled around and screamed,
> >>
> >>
> >> "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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