Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #1651

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

    About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

    "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

    The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

    "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

    "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

    The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

    The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

    "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

    The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

    Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

    The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

    The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"


    A dream for some.

    Cammo
    Australian Native Fish Vids
    Specialize in Terapontida's, Perches, Cods, Gobies & Gudgeons

  2. #1652

    Wink Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    WOMAN'S DIARY

    Saturday 3rd May 2008

    Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

    I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late
    meeting him, thought it might be that.

    The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
    quieter to talk.

    He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went
    somewhere nice to eat.

    All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed
    and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
    saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

    He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

    He hesitated but followed.

    I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and
    turned the television on.

    After about ten ! minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs
    to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him
    deeply.

    He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

    He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
    surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

    I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
    found someone else.


    MAN'S DIARY

    Saturday 3rd May 2008

    Collingwood lost.

    Gutted.

    Got a r&%t though.

  3. #1653

    Wink Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Husband and wife are shopping in Pak and Save when the man picks up
    a carton of XXXX and sticks them into the trolley.
    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
    "They're on special, only $20 for 24 cans", he says.
    "Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
    A few aisles later the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.?
    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
    "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
    The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF XXXX AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

    Have a great weekend.

  4. #1654
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Making a baby!

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

    "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

    "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

    "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

    "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

    "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

    "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

    "Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

    "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

    "Tripod?"

    "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
    Mrs. Smith fainted
    Last edited by Chimo; 25-05-2008 at 07:25 PM.
    What could go wrong.......................

  5. #1655

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Who wants to be a millionaire - Irish version

    Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.

    "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to get the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend.

    Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"

    "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

    "OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own Nest?

    (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

    I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

    Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

    "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

    "Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

    "I'm fookin sure."

    Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with (a) Cuckoo as my answer."

    "Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

    "Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

    There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

    "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

    "Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

  6. #1656
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Male or Female?You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:















    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.








    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.







    They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.








    TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated








    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.








    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.








    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.









    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.








    EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.








    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.








    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying










    What could go wrong.......................

  7. #1657

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Proof that Men Have Better Friends...



    Friendship among Women:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning

    she told her husband that she had slept over at a

    friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best

    friends. None of them knew anything about it.



    Friendship among Men:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he

    told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's

    house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

    Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was
    still there.

  8. #1658

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    6 degrees of blonde
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´ *:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > FIRST DEGREE
    > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
    > and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
    > The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
    > some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > SECOND DEGREE
    > Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
    > the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
    > mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
    > says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
    > The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.
    > -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > THIRD DEGREE
    > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
    > so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
    > unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
    > in the arms of a redhead.
    > Well, the blonde is really angry.
    > She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
    > she is overcome with grief.
    > She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    > The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
    > The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > FOURTH DEGREE
    > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
    > She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
    > A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
    > The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > FIFTH DEGREE
    > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    > 'Is it mine?'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
    > SIXTH DEGREE
    > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
    > ransacked and burglarized.
    > She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
    > The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
    > patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
    > As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
    > blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
    > dog,
    > then sat down on the steps.
    > Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
    > possessions stolen.
    > I call the police for help, and what do they do?
    > They send me a BLIND policeman.'
    > `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*

  9. #1659

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by Chimo View Post
    Male or Female?You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:















    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.








    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.







    They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.








    TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated








    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.








    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.








    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.









    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.








    EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.








    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.








    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying











    hmm haha nice one mate

  10. #1660

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Paddy and Mick are sitting at the bar having a quiet drink when a woman approaches them. She wiggles inbetween them and asks "how would you two like to have a good time ?"
    Okay den they say.
    She gets them back to her place and tells them " you both have to wear protection otherwise I'll get pregnant.
    Okay den they say.

    Five years later, Paddy and Mick are sitting on their front porch, with upset looks on their faces, the silence if defeaning.
    Finally Mick yells out angrily.
    " I DON"T CARE IF SHE DOES GET PREGNANT, I"M TAKIN MINE OFF "
    Last edited by Little grey men; 29-05-2008 at 03:27 PM.

  11. #1661

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Quote Originally Posted by Chimo View Post
    Male or Female?You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:















    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.








    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.







    They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.








    TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated








    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.








    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.








    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.









    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.








    EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.








    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.








    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it wouldbe male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying










    hahahaha
    Cheers
    BreamBuster33


  12. #1662
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Subject: The Bicycle


    A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
    in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

    So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
    points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
    a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

    The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, "My bike."

    Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone elses bicycle!
    What could go wrong.......................

  13. #1663

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    > Psychopath Test
    >
    > Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
    > bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it
    > reads. No one I know has gotten it right.
    >


    While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did
    > not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her
    > dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but
    > never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
    > she killed her sister.
    >
    > Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
    >
    > Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.
    >
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    >
    > Answer:
    > She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If
    > you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
    > test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one
    > has the same mentality as a killer.
    >
    > Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the
    > question correctly.
    >
    > If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
    >
    > If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you
    > off my e-mail list.
    >

  14. #1664

    Wink Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. Anonymous


    Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

    Little Johnny'skindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make surethat they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

  15. #1665

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This morning on the way to work I Rear-ended a car at some lights
    whilst not really paying attention.

    Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

    He said "I'm not happy"........

    I said "Well which one are you then"

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